


My Little HetaStuck MSTs

by CJCroen1393



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers, Homestuck, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Genre: Gen, MST, Other, Other Fandoms Not Mentioned in Tags, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-11-27
Updated: 2016-06-11
Packaged: 2018-01-02 18:22:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 34,731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1060046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CJCroen1393/pseuds/CJCroen1393
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Join Princess Twilight Sparkle, Feliciano "Italy" Vargas and John Egbert as they review the worst and worst their fandoms have to offer! </p><p>Episode 1: "Homestuck High"<br/>Episode 2: Cupcakes<br/>Episode 3: Harry Potter Turns to the Lord<br/>Episode 4: Romano x Depressed Reader<br/>Episode 5: Sonic Fights Robotnik<br/>Episode 6: MyAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!<br/>Episode 7: Pattycakes</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Episode 1: Homestuck High part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EDIT: I credited the author now.

My Little HetaStuck MST  
Episode 1  
Homestuck High

*A theater, Twilight, Italy and John enter.*

Twilight Sparkle: *clears throat* Hello, everyone! I am Princess Twilight Sparkle, and I have recently been employed by CJ Croen to review some pieces of literature known as “fanfictions”. Joining me today are Feliciano “Italy” Vargas…  
Italy: Bon journo!  
Twilight: and John Egbert.  
John: hey!  
Twilight: For our show, we’ll be reviewing fanfictions from our various fandoms, and today, we’ll be reviewing something from John’s fandom, Homestuck.  
John: It’s called “Homestuck High”, by randomnezz4eva123.  
Twilight: Okay then, let’s read!

**hi guys this is my first fanfic i RLY hope u all enjoy it im riting it on notpad but mi frend beta red it 4 me! HEHE HOMESTUCK FOREVER!**

Twilight: Ugh, so many spelling errors…  
John: her “frend” must be a great beta tester.

The spring fling was next week and John didn't have a date. He realy liked Rose however. He had liked her sence second grade when she bit his arm and broke his glasses and made him cry

John: i don't recall rose doing that to me. also, i don't like rose in _that_ way.  
Italy: I've never seen fangirls write about crack _het_ pairings before! This must be serious!

He took his books out of his locker and seen Rose walking towards him. He got REALY nervous and began to sweat.

"Hi rose" he said blankly

"What do you want loser" she replied coldly

Twilight: Wow, your friend sounds like a real charmer, John.  
John: rose doesn't act like that at all!  
Italy: She sounds like my friend England! Is she sarcastic and into magic?  
John: well...yes, actually ):

"I wanted to know if you wanted to go to the dance with me?" John said

"Ok" Rose said "But if someone hotter than you asks me then im gonna go with them"

"Thats ok" John said

Twilight: Well that's stupid!  
John: wow, fanfic me is a wimp!  
Italy: He makes me look like an Adonis!  
Twilight: He makes Fluttershy look brave and strong!  
John: ok, that's enough! i get the picture...

Just then the schools goth kid Gamzee came up to talk to them.

"Hey rose" Gamzee seed "I like totally love your hair, wed look amazing together at the spring flarp next week. YoU should go with me."

"I just asked her you goth freak" John proclamed loudly!

John: okay, since when is gamzee a goth? i thought he was a juggalo!  
Twilight: What in the name of Celestia is a juggalo?  
John: it's someone who's obsessed with the rap group "insane clown posse". they listen to crazy rap music and drink faygo and make themselves up to look like clowns.  
Twilight: Sounds like something Pinkie Pie would be into...

"Well your no god for rose. Rose is a beauty like no other rose could compare. I deserve to go with her more than yu do!"

John: gamzee pls, i'm the heir of breath.

"OMG u guys" Rose describbed looking from John to Hamzee "Why don't u both take me to the spring fling next week? We could be a threesome"

Italy: Where did this "Hamzee" person come from?  
Twilight: More importanly, why is Rose planning a "threesome". That sounds disturbing.  
John: BLARG!

On the weekend Rose went shopping with Jade and Ferrari to pick a dress.

Italy: Ooh! They have a Ferrari with them! I make those!

They got ready together at jades house. Rose was wearing a mini length lether tight dress which came up to her knees like one of those pencil skrits and it hugged her small frame tightly. It had no straps and it was held up by her boobies.

Twilight: Okay, that doesn't even sound physically possible!  
John: *shakes head*

It was bright green and it showed of her clevers. She bought knee high leather black boots that had riddles in them and were for inches high off the ground with a pointy toe. She wore her hair up in a kinda messy bun with her bangs just bellow her eyebros. She was wearing thick black eyeliner and bright red lipstick. She was also wearing a fake tan.

John: when did rose become an extra from the jersey shore?  
Italy: HISSS! I HATE THAT SHOW! IT'S MORE INSULTING TO ITALIANS THAN I AM!  
John: sorry.  
Italy: *sigh* It's not your fault.

"OMG u look so hot rose I would totally wanna sex you" Jade said as she smacked Rose's ass. 

John:...  
Italy:...  
Twilight:...Okay, wow.

"you look hot too Jade, I bet Dave will want to sex you to" Rose described

"Do u think so?" she blushed "Im a virgin though"

"Don't worry he likes virgins" Ferrari said "Vriska told me"

Twilight: John, does your friend Jade have an actual relationship with your friend Dave?  
John: they used to but they broke up because dave had some issues. i'm not sure if they got back together though.  
Twilight: I see, and who is this "Vriska" person?  
John: oh, her. she used to be my girlfriend.  
Italy: "Used to be"?  
John: Well...i kinda had a crush on her...but that was before i met her. after meeting her...i actually...kinda hate her.  
Twilight: Romances don't seem to last long in your series. Maybe you need a good relationship counselor? May I suggest my brother, Shining Armor?  
John: no thanks, i'm good.  
Italy: I could bring in my friend, France!  
John: i said i'm good! god!

"OMG Vriskas slept with Dave!" Jade ejaculated 

John: omg...gross!  
Twilight: Actually, that word used to mean spitting or regurgitating...  
John: i don't care! it's still gross! especially because jade's my sister!  
Italy: At least fans aren't pairing you with your sister. To all the fangirls out there: I AM IN A HAPPY RELATIONSHIP WITH GERMANY! PLEASE STOP PAIRING ME WITH MY FRATELLO!

"Yea, but he didn't like it because she wasn't a virgin" Ferrari conjured

"Oh ok" Jade countered

Twilight: ???  
John: ???  
Italy: ???

They all went to the party and everyone was there. Everyone danced with one another and the lights were flickering between all different colours. All the differnt clicks were dancing together and it was realy good. Dave ended up taking Jade early and Roze gave her a wink but Vriska was jealousy. She want Dave for herself and didnt like them together.

Twilight:...Realy good?  
John: thanks for *showing* this to us, author!

"Rose" John said seriously "I think im in love with you"

John: no, i'm not. shut up.

"OMG John" Rose declaration "I think im in lust with you too"

Twilight: "Rose declaration"?  
Italy: "In lust"? That sounds like something France would say...

"yay" they both said

Twilight: Wow, you guys sound SOOO enthusiastic...

"OMG you guys karkat just killed himself" Gamzee proclimbed

John: !!!!!!!!!  
Twilight: Sweet Celestia!  
Italy: PASTAAAAAA!!!

To be continued...


	2. Episode 1: Homestuck High Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the riffers realize that they bit off way more than they can chew, Twilight points out a predictable plot twist, John gets squicked out by fanservice of his sister and Italy makes pasta to calm everyone's nerves.

Episode 1 part 2 of MLHS MSTs: Homestuck High

**hi guys this is chapter 2. i finished chapter 1 a while back b4 my other beta reder got busy wit school since she didnt start then so now my otherfriend said shed beta it insted. ITS A LOT BETTER NOW THNK U SO MUUUUUCH CAROLYN UR A BETTER EDITER THAN JANE.**

Twilight Sparkle: Somehow I doubt that...  
John Egbert: i still can't believe they killed karkat offscreen!  
Twilight: Who exactly is Karkat?  
John: oh, he's my alien buddy! he used to hate me, but now we're bros! :)  
Italy: What's he like?  
John: he's nice, but he's really grouchy and loud and always swearing. i think he's funny XD  
Italy: Reminds me of my brother :D  
Twilight: Okay, you guys, we need to get back to the topic at hand, unfortunately...

Everyone went to teh hospitl to see Karkat. He was in a comma.

Twilight: *facehoof* I can't even _begin_ to explain all the things that are wrong with that one sentence alone...  
John: i didn't know it was possible to be _in_ a comma...

Everyone was crying, even Dave was crying a little bit because he and Karkat were best frends.

John: *busts out laughing*  
Twilight: I take that these two don't like each other that much in reality/canon?  
John: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
Italy: I think he's broken...

They did lots of things togther (AN: no gay stuff tho! thats gross!) 

Twilight: Oh, way to out yourself as a homophobe, author...

and so he was upset Karkat would try and do this to himself.

John: he wouldn't unless i showed him this story.  
Twilight: Welcome back.

"Is he gonna be allright" John inquisisted the doctor

"If it wasnt for you kids he wouldnt be" the doctor said

John: i still don't get it. how did "we", find karkat? and more importantly, how did we get there before he could die?  
Twilight: Thanks for showing us, author!  
Italy: I'm hungry, I'm gonna get some pasta!

"So he is going to be okay?" Dave weeped

John: isn't that what i just said?  
Twilight: Also, it's "wept", not "weeped".

"He will suffer amnesiea and may never walk again" the doctor solemnly said.  
"NO!" Dave escalated loudly

Twilight: Insert obligatory "that escalated quickly" joke here.  
Italy: I'm back! And I have lots of spagetti for anyone who wants it!  
John: Sweet!  
Twilight: Thank you.

John and Rose were waiting outside. Rose was very upset. She dated Karkat when she was younger and she lost her virginity to him. He was her first love and she never really gog over him.

John: rose doesn't like karkat in THAT way! stop defiling canon! *eats some spagetti*  
Twilight: Am I the only one who is disturbed by the fact that this story has sexual interactions between underage teenagers?  
John: DON'T YOU DARE REMIND ME OF THAT! DO YOU WANT ME TO POINT OUT THE RULE THIRTY FOUR OF YOU AND YOUR FR--  
Twilight: IF YOU FINISH THAT SENTENCE, I WILL TURN YOU INTO AN ORANGE!  
John: BRING IT ON PRINCESS!  
*Twilight and John get into a fight while Italy looks on eating his pasta*  
Italy: Honestly, I've seen so much rule 34 of me that I've just stopped caring. But they could at least be more original...

"I cant believe he would do this hes so emo" Rose moaned

"I am sorry!" John proclaimed

Twilight: *rubbing her bruised head* Wow, way to insult suicidal people author! Not cool! Fluttershy talked to people who have been suicidal before, and they were in a lot of pain. I highly doubt that such people would appreciate being called "emo".  
John: *while Italy bandages his head* you feel very strong about this. so what happened with fluttershy?  
Twilight: She talked to some of them on her facebook page. She talked to them, comforted them and eventually, talked them out of suicide.  
John and Italy: Awwwww!  
Twilight: Yeah, she's not the bearer of the Element of Kindness for nothing.

"John" Rose said seductivley "Can u take my mind off it"

John gulped. He knew what Rose wanted but he wasnt sure if he was ready for it yet. Rose was a sex goddess and he was a geek who never got less than 100 perfect in any lessons. But he had no scores in the sex department.

John: um, no, author i do _not_ get "a hundred perfect in any test". heck, back when i was in school (y'know, before it blew up) i got straight cs and ds! i spent more time playing pranks than studying!

"Rose" John pronounced "I do not think now is the right time!"

"U want to wait?" Rose raised her eyebbrow

Twilight: If you are writing a work of fiction and you use "U" in place of "you" outside of text messages or chat rooms, then you will lose all credibility and no one will ever take you seriously.  
John: this has been princess twilight sparkle, with vital information for your everyday life.

"I want are first time to be specil" John announced

"Ok" Rose said moodily.

John: specil?

Five days later Karkat woke up from his coma and everyone came to pick him up. Dave was very happy his friend was awake and brought along cheetos and pepsi to celebrate. 

John: this part is kinda in-character for dave, i guess.

The girls had been to thhe beach and so they were in their bikinis. 

Rose was wearing a lethar tight string thang bikini which showed of her private areas while Jade wore a black lacey one with a 'D' over her left boob becase she loved Dave.

John: oh my god, stop with the fanservice! and stop making jade sexy! she's my sister, she's not allowed to be sexy!  
Jade Harley: im right here, john!  
John: oh ****!  
Twilight: John! Language!  
John: maybe we shouldn't be reading this in my house...

"He is suffering with severe head tramaur" the doctor said shakily "he does not remember his name!"

Everyone gasped.

Twilight: "tramaur"?

"No! Karkat!" Dave discharged

"Who is Karkat my name is Tarvos" Karkat said questioninly

*Twilight and Italy look at John expectantly*  
John: _tavros_ was an alien. he had really big bull horns on his head and was really skinny. he used to be in a wheelchair and vriska used to date him, even though she was the one who put him in the wheelchair to begin with.

"He can no longer walk either he must go in a wheelchair" said doctor We do not know if he will recover

Twilight: And now we can add ableism to the list of things to hate the author for. Thank you, Dr. We do not know if he will recover.  
Italy: What a strange name for a doctor...

"How could this happen" Gamzee shot "All he want was to be normal"

Twilight: He _shot_ something? What did he shoot, and why?  
John: maybe he was trying to commit suicide because he realized what kind of fanfic he was in.  
Italy: The world may never know.

They all left the hospital and Karkat was rolling himself happily while everyone was crying they had lost one of their best freinds and school would no longer be the same how were they supposed to hang around with him now he was in awheelchar.

To lighten the mood they decided to go to mcdonnalds and so they all went there and ordered burgers and chips and chicken nuggest for everyone to eat except for vriska who ate the napkins instead.

America: Dudes, did I hear McDonald's!?  
Twilight, John and Italy: NO!  
America: Aww man! :( *leaves*  
Twilight: John, does Vriska actually eat napkins?  
John: what do you think?  
Italy: I thought they were supposed to be American! Chips is the European term for French fries!  
Twilight: Maybe the author is British.  
John: *shrugs*

"Golly I REALLY like these chicken nuggets" Karkat happily said

John: *facepalm*

"Karkat..." Dave began "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM."

"My name is Tarvos! Not Karkat!" Karkat exclamated. He smashed the chicken nugget down on the table and squished it like a bug as he looked at the floor. He was ANGRY.

John: hey, karkat's in character now!

Gamzee sighed "I guess we shall call him Tarvos"

"YAY" Karkat, now Tarvos sang explendidly.

Twilight: Oh no! They said "sang"! That means...  
Pinkie Pie: HELLO EVERYPONY!  
Twilight: *facehoof*  
Pinkie: My name is Pinkie Pie (hello!) And I am here to say (how're you doin'?) I'm gonna make you smile and I will brighten up your day!  
Italy: It doesn't matter now (what's up?) If you are sad or blue (Howdy!)  
Pinkie and Italy: 'Cause cheering up my friends is just what Pinkie's here to do! 'Cause I love to see you smile smile smile! Yes I do...  
Twilight: Let's just ignore them and continue.  
John: do we have to?

"These napkins taste like piss" Vriska snooted as she gobbled one up.

John: then stop eating them!  
*Italy sits back down with his pasta bowl, looking exhausted*  
Italy: Wow, Pinkie Pie has a lot of energy! I couldn't catch up! @_@  
Twilight: Nobody can at first. You'll get used to her :)

"I used that one to wipe myself after I peed..." Jade whimpered.

"Ok" Vriska said, munching away.

Italy: *spits out his pasta*  
John:...okay, please excuse me while i go puke...  
Twilight: Right behind you...

"When did you go to pee" Rose asked curiously

Jade looked down at the floor while fiddling with his black lace panties "When you all weren't looking...I..I needed to take a pregnancy test."

"WHAT!" everyone but Feferi exclaimed because she was too cool

Twilight: I'm actually sort of glad that Rose aknowleged the strangeness of Jade having suddenly urinated...  
John: yeah, it shows that they're not all totally insane. also, hey look, this author really _can_ spell "feferi".  
Italy: You mean it's not "Ferarri"?  
John: no, that would be stupid.  
Italy: Bummer.

"Dave..." Jade began "I AM PREGNANT!

Twilight: Show of hands, who saw this one coming a mile away?  
*John and Italy raise their hands*

To be continued...


	3. Episode 1: Homestuck High part 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the gang sees something they wish they could unsee, Italy is gonna need a bigger bowl, Jade makes a rude interruption and John slowly loses his sanity.

Episode 1 part 3 of MLHS MSTs:  
Homestuck High

Twilight Sparkle: Okay, so this is the third chapter, and we got a warning by the author's note that this particular chapter contains _adult content!_  
John Egbert: *curled up in the fetal position* thisisn'thappeningthisisn'thappeningthisisn'thappening...  
Italy: I'm gonna make more pasta for you guys... we're gonna need a lot of carbs to get through this...  
Twilight: I would like Parmesan cheese on my portion.  
John: lots of tomato sauce, make sure it's peanut free!  
Italy: Comin' up!

John and Rose were in a field holding hands and kissing. They were alone and the sun was high in the sky. Rose was in a long white dress and a sun hat and John was chasing her through corn and sunflowers.

Twilight: Wait, where did Jade's pregnancy go?  
Jade Harley: the baby probably died, since im always emitting gamma radiation. i got it when i merged with my dog, bec after going god tier :D  
John: jade! you're not part of this commentary! go away!  
Jade: im a goddess of all space, you cant tell me what to do!  
Twilight: She's got a point ;)  
John: blarg! fine. but just because this fanfic involves you.  
Twilight: Italy, we're gonna need more pasta for Jade!  
Italy: What does she want on it?  
Jade: lots of meatballs! extra rare and lightly irradiated!  
Italy: Coming right up!

He felt happy. She spun around and her silken gown brushed against the corn as she ran backwards in slow motion. John went to grab her, but she moved out of the way and he stumbled over a giant cliff and fell into darkness.

John: wait, i fell off a cliff!? when did _this_ happen!?

"John" a voice boomed as he hit the floor "I am the dark genie of precipice Araida!"

Jade: when did aradia get into all this?  
Twilight: Who is Aradia?  
Jade: shes a really cool frog ghost troll fairy grim reaper person!  
Twilight: Wait, what?

Thunder boomed.  
"You are yur frends are in GRAEVE DANGER" she said  
"What do you mean!" John said he didnt want any harm to come to Rose so he was worried since they handnt had sex yet.

John: i'm my own best friend.  
Twilight: You also don't have very good priorities.

"JADE IS PREGNANT WITH THE SON OF A DEVIL" Aradia bombed as more thunder struck loudly "And Rose is NEXT"

Jade: oh nooo!!!

"O M G" John giggled

John: *in a valley girl voice* like, o m g, my sister is like, so totally pregnant with an evil demon spawn! like, that is so, like terrible and so funny! liek lol!  
Jade: john, are you okay?  
John: no. i think this story's driving me insane.  
Twilight: Keep your sanity. You're gonna need it for the next story after this one!  
Italy: Pasta's done!  
Everyone else: YAY!

"you must destroy the dammed incubes on a nigth when the moon is full and spill his blod onto Jade and make her drink it so it kills the baba!" Ariada proclaimed

Twilight: To quote Scootaloo: "Wha-HUH!?"  
John: it's now my turn to ask you a question: who is scootaloo?  
Twilight: She's a pegasus filly who loves riding her scooter around Ponyville! She's a friend of my friend Rainbow Dash.  
John: hmm...

"But WHO IS THE INUCUBS!" John demolished as he clentched his fists.  
Aradia glowed "You must find out for yourself john!

John: yes, because the all knowing genie can't tell me.

UNLASH THE POWER FROM WITHIN AND DO NOT LET THE DEMON TANT YOUR ROSE OR SHE WILL WILT"

Italy: Ha! Wilt,'cause her name is Rose.  
Twilight: Yes, we can all thank this author for the awful flower pun.

She handed him two plastic horns  
"When you put these on you will turn into my faithful demon sslayer ERIDAN" she magistrated "He will serve you well"

John: i never met eridan, but i heard he was a massive ******--  
Twilight: John! Language!  
John: and _not_ a demon slayer. although, karkat told me that he liked to kill angels.  
Twilight: What?  
John: sburb angels, not magic angels. sburb angels are scary, winged monsters that bend reality.  
Twilight: So are magic angels.

"Ok" John said and he woke up

John: okay, i'll admit that this is kinda in character for me.

"Oh your ok" Rose said and she hugged John

"What happened" John elaborated as Dave hugged him next.

Dave raged "Dark magick came out of your mcdonnaldss burger and FOUND ITS WAY TO YOUR SOUL"

Twilight: That's not how you use the word "elaborated"! Get it right!  
Italy: And why is there a genie in a burger?  
America: DID SOMEBODY SAY--  
Twilight, John, Jade and Italy: NO!!!!!  
*America leaves*

"How!" John demanded

"we do not yet know" Tarvos clemenced "We think that by eating it it distrupted the forces within your purities"

John: what does "clemenced" mean?

"oh my gog" John said seriously

Jade: hey look! an actual thing from homestuck is mentioned!

The next day at school the group sat in a dark corner away from everoyne else as hey tried to think what happened to Jonn.

But John knew that deep down there was an demon after Rose's ovaries.

Twilight: Quit with the references to reproductive organs!  
Italy: Friendly reminder that this is the adult section of the fanfic.  
Twilight: ARRRGHHHHH!

He couldnt bare the thought of his love falling to such a trap.

"Maybe it was just food poisoning" Feferi helped

"No my legs began to shake with a need i have long forgotten when i saw the black aroma!" Tarvos said

John: wait, karkat/tavros can't use his legs to walk but he can use them to detect demons?  
Twilight: Logic! It does not exist!

"Where are Jade?" Rose asked

Dave began to cry into Tarvos shoulder. John had a feeling in his gut that this was not a god sign.

Jade: if dave is crying its definitely not a good--um, "god"--sign...

"She cheated on me with a college guy" he moaned into Tarvos. he was so upset.

"OMG Dave" Vriska purred as she pulled his face into her boobs. Dave cried into them instead.

Jade: this is very out of character for dave. he never once cried around me; he didnt cry when his bro died, he didnt cry when we broke up, and from what jack and pm told me, he didnt even cry when he found out that i [SPOILER EXPUNGED]!  
Twilight: He must be really tough.  
Jade: yep, he is. thats what attracted me to him :p  
John: then why did you guys break up!?  
Jade: were thinking of getting back together, but we havent talked much about it yet. were taking things slow.  
Twilight: Always a good idea.

"John we need to talk" Rose announced

"Ok" John said

They got up and went to a private part of the school where no one could see or hear them. John had a feeling that he would be getting lucky as some people call it but he knew he had to be carful. He couldnt risk getting his rose pregnant or the conseqences would be FATALITY.

John: insert mortal kombat joke here.

"John" Rose moaned "Will u be my boyfriend?"

"Ok" John said

John: "i'm so submissive! i'll do anything!"  
Italy: You're starting to sound like a slashfic ^_^  
John: GAH!

"So you will have sex with me then since thats what people do when they go out" Rose said

John: no.

John could not resist those gigantic bosoms in that tight school top were begging him to rip it off right here and plant his seed DEEP inside of her. but he had to control himself or things would get bad.

John: No.

"I do not know Rose" John manifested "Maybe we should wait!"

John: Smart! Now RUN!

"I AM TIRED OF WAITING FOR YOU JON. I WANT YOU TO PUT IT IN ME NOW."

John: NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

*the group reads on and John looks sick, then suddenly runs off; Twilight, Jade and Italy are all growing increasingly horrified*

Twilight: Oh...my...sweet...Celestia...in...a jumpsuit...this is...the single most obscene thing I have ever read in my entire life...  
Italy: Oh God...I...I've actually lost my appetite...that's how disgusting this is!  
Jade: its absolutely hideous and yet the misspellings and oocness makes it impossible to look away.  
Twilight: We will _not_ be copying down the sex scene, just to spare you from the details.  
Jade: hey italy, where did john go?  
Italy: He ran to the bathroom. He said something about taking a shower to "wash away the filth".  
*cuts to John, lying curled up naked and crying on the floor of the shower*  
John: I JUST CAN'T GET CLEAN!!!!!

"NO! John! Rose!" Jade's loud cry mewled.

They turned their sweaty heads to see Jade struggling in the grasp of a man who looked more evil than ANY other man they had seen. His aura admitted a dark energy that made the clouds come together and boom lightening.

Jade: oh there i am! but i thought i was supposed to be cheating on dave with a college guy, not a demon.

"NOW THAT ROSE HAS BEEN GIVEN THE SEED I CAN PLANT MY SPAWN!" the evil man yelled

"Sollux, it hath been a while!" Tarvos trembled as he, Feferi, Dave, Vriska and Gamzee all came running up to the area.

Jade: sollux? but he's an alien nerd, not a demon!  
Twilight: John has been in the shower for a long time...should someone go get him?  
Jade: maybe hes trying to drown himself.  
Twilight: OH SWEET CELESTIA! ITALY, GO SAVE HIM!  
Jade: oh dont worry, john cant die unless his death is just or heroic. i dont think "death by suicidal despair" counts.  
Twilight: Um...okaaay?  
Italy: I checked up on him, he's fine.  
Twilight: Oh thank goodness...  
John: *offscreen* I STILL CAN'T GET CLEEEEAN!!!!!!!  
Italy: Mostly.

"John, use the power of my demon slayer to help Jade!" John heard aradia's voice call.

He reached into his pockets and pulled out the plastic horns and stuck them into his head.

Jade: yeah, because everyone reacts that way when you hear a creepy ghost voice in your head.  
Twilight: Wait, didn't John rip all of his clothes apart when he started... _that_ scene? How can he "reach into his pockets"?  
Jade: the world may never know.

He felt himself morphing into a different being until he was no longer John but a purple capped man with thick rimmed glasses.

"Sollux" John's now deep Eridan voice boomed "It's time to duel.

*John returns, wearing his God-Tier duds and toweling his hair dry*  
Twilight: Feeling better?  
John: *sigh* no.  
Twilight: Well, the good news is that that's the end of this chapter!  
Everyone else: YAY!  
Twilight: The bad news is...there are five more after this...  
Everyone else except John: AUGHHH!!!  
John:...nnnNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To be continued...


	4. Episode 1: Homestuck High part 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EDIT: I forgot to get rid of the"character initials in place of actual names" format. Corrected! :)

My Little HetaStuck MST  
Episode 1  
Homestuck High  
Part 4

Twilight Sparkle: *sigh* Okay, a lot of the author's notes here are really vulgar. I'll just show you guys the worst one:

**to the nice ppl who left nice reviews i wnt 2 say thank u because they made me smile hehe.**

Twilight: Yes, people decided to give this girl encouragement!  
John Egbert: *cluster F-bomb*  
Italy: Aren't you going to reprimand his foul language?  
Twilight: It's getting reduntant.  
Jade Harley: shh! the fanfics about to continue!

Just when all hope was thought to be lost Eridan took out of his deadly weapon knwon as the almighty Demontroll and began to rock out on it so the noise would distract Sollux wich it did and he let go of Jade and she came running over to them.

Italy: Wait...what?

"Thank you sooooooooooo much John" she exclaimed

Jade: im finally in character!

"My name is Eridan, John is no longer part of this body but exists now within hells wreched flames!" Eridan spoke

"Oh ok" Jade said and walked over to Dave

John: you were saying?  
Jade: well actually...

"So..." Sollux begins as he took out his own instrement, the dark and almighty Redtooth which was an old wooden violin and began to fight back against Eridan "You are challenging me to a duel"

Twilight: Are they really ripping off "Discord Went Down to Ponyville"?  
Everyone else:...  
Jade: what  
Twilight: You've never heard "Discord Went Down to Ponyville"?  
John: we've heard of "the devil went down to georgia".  
Twilight: That's an odd name for a song...

"You will not win it" Eridan ejaculates 

as he plucks the guitar harder "you will not win over my wrath and you will no take these chicks back to your castle within the dark clouds to create the next evil dark overloard!"

"Then if i lose the battle you must hand over to me Rose and Jade so I may plant the dark spawn within them to create the ultimite POWER" Sollux suggested

Jade: wow solluxs character derailment is explosive...

Both demons began to rock out on their instruments and a clash of white and black aroma smashed together within the space between them as they batteld it out. they began to sweat. it was a tough duel but Eridan did a triple eighty and knocked Sollux back flying.

Jade: is it wrong that i actually think this is epic sounding?  
Twilight: No, actually; the author's actually _showing_ to an extent, rather than telling.  
John: but she's not showing enough to make this fanfic good.

"WELL DONE ERIDAN!" everyone on Eridans side cheered.

"Whatevs" Eridan said, putting his guitar into his pocket

Jade: nope wrong! eridan wouldve said that like "wwhatevvs".  
Twilight: How in Equestria would he fit a guitar in his pocket?  
John: the pocket could be his sylladex.  
Italy: Sylla what?  
John: sylladex. homestuck characters use it to carry stuff without having to use pockets or hands. like this  
*John uses his sylladex to pull out a giant hammer, then puts it back*  
Twilight: Impressive. Pinkie can pull stuff from out of nowhere too. She calls it "hammerspace".  
Italy: I can do that with my underwear!  
Jade: tmi dude!

Sollux walked away in defeat but hed be backk they all knew it.

Twilight: AUGHH! THE BAD GRAMMAR! IT BURNSSS!!!

Eridan took off his horns and John returned.

"What happenend" John ingerigated

Twilight: AUUUUUURRRRRGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

"you turned into a super awesome demon called Eridan and you battled that Sollux guy to protect me and Jade" Rose bubbled.

"Oh ok" John said

John: "bubbled"? when did rose turn into casey? casey's my baby salamander before any of you ask.  
Twilight: Thanks for explaining.

"Lets go to class" Gamzee cornered

Twilight: Who did he corner? And why?

"I smell a war coming..." Tarvos wanred "I do not like this. Be careful John mboy"

Jade: mah boi! :D  
John: shut up.  
Jade: D: 

next chapter there will be a baby shower and a realy big surprise but is it a good or bad one review to find out

Jade: dave i thought you were smart! you need to get your priorities straight!  
John: i want this fanfic to be over!!!! D:  
Twilight: It will be soon. After four chapters.  
Everone else: AUGH!!!!!

To be continued...


	5. Episode 1: Homestuck High part 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things aren't looking up for the riffers.

My Little HetaStuck MST  
Episode 1  
Homestuck High  
Part 5

*Twilight, Italy and Jade are standing outside of John's bathroom door.*

Twilight: C'mon, John, you're gonna have to leave that shower sometime.  
John: leave me alone!  
Italy: I made more pasta to help us through this!  
John: it's not gonna help!  
Jade: john quit being a baby and help us riff!  
John: no!  
Everyone else: Augh!  
Jade: lets start this without him, he'll join when hes good and ready...

It has been two weeks sence diabolo impgrenated Jade with his seed and she was in the hospitil going to give birth sence deamon babys grow quick and stuff like in twilight.

Twilight: NO! DO NOT MENTION THAT BOOK!  
Italy: Twi?  
Twilight: Sorry, Italy, the _Twilight Saga_ just brings back painful memories for me...  
*FLASHBACK*  
Fillies and Colts: HAHA TWILIGHT SPARKLE!  
Colt bully: Hey Twilight! You hangin' out with Edward, Bella and Jacob?  
Filly bully: I bet she's a vampire and sparkles in the sun!  
Colt bully: Hey, let's open her mouth to see if she has fangs!  
Filly bully: Yeah! Hold her down!  
Filly!Twilight: Ah! No! Let go of me!  
Baby!Spike: Hey! Stay away from her! *gets smacked*  
Filly!Twilight: Spike! Ow! Oh Celestia, someone help me!  
*END FLASHBACK*  
Twilight: *shudders*  
Italy: *Pats her on the shoulder*  
Jade: god, those books are stupid...

She was in a lot of pain and everyone was here to cheer her on sence she was scaerd of theoutcome because demoan babys are hurtful.

Jade: of course i was in pain, i was _giving birth!_

Dave was ver upset be cause it was his girlfrend and he didnt like that she was wit child with another man and a deamon nontheless. John new that rose cold be next if he was not carefull and had not ben sleeping for to weeks because rose could be next.

John: *comes in wearing his God-Tier duds and a towel on his head* what did I miss?  
Italy: The fanfic says you've stopped sleeping for two weeks.  
John:...what?

"she is in pain" the nurse moaned sadly

Jade:...yes, people tend to be in pain when theyre _giving birth_.  
Italy: One would assume a nurse would know that.  
Twilight: She ought to have her license revoked.

"what about the baby" dave demadnded

"you mean babies" the nurse corrected "she is having triplets but they are not of natral causes!"

Everyone looked sadly at each other. Jade might not survie and the babys might take over her body.

Everyone: WHAT!?

A doctor appeared.

Twilight: Was he in a blue box and holding a sonic screwdriver? No? Well forget about this fanfiction getting good...

"she has given birth to the childs!" he announced

"they are burtn with fires of hell but the others cannot tell of the things that they will face of a lonly mothers grace" Tarvos prophisied

Twilight: Oh my Celestia, I am so sick of this author's grammar!!!  
Italy: It could be wor--  
John: no it couldn't.  
Italy: I know.

"THEY ARE MY SONS! NO DAM B STARD WILL CLAM THEM AS THERE OWN!" Dave ejaculats

John: you keep using that word, i don't think it means what you think it means...  
Twilight: Once again, it used to mean "regurgitating"; you can find used that way in classical literature like _Les Miserables_ and--  
John: i don't care.

Rose took Johns hand "I feel uneasy" she quoted "soemthing is amist"

"i can feel it to" John reconziled and he kissed Rose passiontly.

Jade: oh yeah! john, remember how this fic pairs you with rose?  
John: i've been trying to forget that...

Everyone went to see Jade and her babies there were two boys and a girl. one boy had grayish skin an wellow eyes like a demon and then the girl had daves blond hair but then the other boy...LOOKED LIKE TARVOS!

Jade: ok, wait im confused...i get that this is a high school au and all but "grayish skin and _yellow_ eyes" describes a troll more than a demon. but this story hadnt said anything to imply that any of the trolls were made human here. whats going on?  
John: logic doesn't exist here.

"omg" everyone said

Jade: yes of course thats all they said...

"they all have different fathers" the nurse said widely "please take a shit and we will explain the circumsize."

Everyone: GROSS!!!!  
Twilight: Also, how do you say something "widely"?

Dave couldnt sit down he was too angry. one of his childs were a damon and the other lookedlike his best frend! he also did not have a air for his family name! his true cchild was a girl...

Twilight: I'm fairly certain that one's emotional state does not affect the ability to sit down.

"HOW COULD YOU TAVOS!" dave cried as tears welled in his eyes "she is my wife to be!"

"it was an accidant it happened in mcdonnald" Tarvos solmnly said.

"we did not mean it Dave!" jade weeped

Jade: i wouldnt have sex with karkat or tavros anyway.  
John: that's two ships sunk.

"You stole my son...now i shall make you pay!" dave exclamed and left

John: so...he's gonna make karvos pay by leaving the room? what good is that gonna do?  
Twilight: It gives the author an excuse to draw out the plot as much as possible.

Jade cried as rosepatted her back and the babys slept. Jade was worred dave might turn to the dark side and she did not want to date a daemon!

"John" rose said suddenly "we need to make plans."

DUN DUN DUUUUN! A CLIFFIE!

John: a cliff? what a relief! quick everyone, let's jump off of it!  
Jade: right behind you  
Italy: Make that three!  
Twilight: I'm just going to conveniently forget that I can teleport and fly...

To be continued...


	6. Episode 1: Homestuck High part 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things aren't gonna end well...

My Little HetaStuck MST  
Episode 1  
Homestuck High  
Part 6

Twilight Sparkle: C'mon everyone, get up.  
John Egbert: no.  
Jade Harley: why should we?  
Italy: MAKE IT STOP!!!  
Twilight: Ugh! Well, we begin chapter six with an author's note.

**GUYUS STFU OKAI STUP BEIN MEEN!**

Twilight: How about you stop having bad grammar?

**dis story is good u havnt seen wat is planed!**

John: that's because we don't want to.

**an i m sorry i havn updtated as muc school SUXXXXXXX!**

Italy: OMG! This author is channeling our author!  
CJ Croen: Oh yeah...I forgot to mention, sorry I haven't updated in a while; school was a killer X_X

"hav you named them yet" john assed jade

Jade: john! that is very rude!  
John: i'm sorry jade, it's not my fault this author can't spell!

"i will call the daemon equius" jade complicaed "daves girl will be caled terezi and tarovs son jake!"

John: NO WAY. WE ARE NOT DRAGGING EQUIUS, TEREZI AND JAKE INTO THIS!!!!  
Twilight: Who are--  
Jade: equius is a sweaty muscle man with a horse fetish terezi is a blind alien lawyer who dave used to date and jake is the kid version of me and johns dad.  
Twilight:...Okay...so go back to the part about the horse fetish...

"my son..." tarvos masurcated "is beautfil"

Twilight: Is it just me, or is the grammar getting worse?  
Italy: I think the author is a sorcerer.

Suddenly white smok came in to and their was Sollex with a moses bucket with a grin on his face. Everyone gaped and jade lunged for equius.

John: sollux holding a bucket? but trolls think buckets are gross!  
Twilight: Why?  
Jade: because they use buckets and pails for alien sex >;)  
Twilight and Italy: EWWWWW....

"NO! YOU CANOT HAVE HIM!" SHE CRED.

Jade: yes! i would totally be protective of the baby version of a weird dude ive never met!

"foolish mortel! he will becom the next daemon lord of the derse! u can not stop my planes..." Sollux potted

Twilight: Okay, this is just getting ridiculous.  
John: you're just noticing this now?  
Twilight: I mean, seriously, "POTTED!?" I guess she meant to write "plotted" but that's still not the right word to use in this context!

Gamzee stod up.

Twilight: Does this author have a busted keyboard like our author?  
CJ: Take that, me!

"no u daemon equius will rule prospit do you not COMPREHEND" he condemed

"YOU DO NOT KNOW ME" sollux welped.

John: isn't equius a derse dreamer?  
Jade: yeah but gamzees a prospit dreamer!  
Twilight: I'm too mad to ask...

"THESE PLAINS ARE NOT YORUS TO CONQUER" GAmzee reunited

Tarvos stood up, "No. he must go with the daemon becuse it has ben ritten"

Twilight: Who is Ben and what did he "rite"?  
John: also, i though karvos was in a wheelchair, how did he stand up?

John shook his hed "but then he will try too sex rose!" he coaxed

Sollux grined "rose will becum my bird and we will make love every nite."

Italy: Too much information...

"NO" john moaned and pulled out Demontroll. He put on his hornes and he transformation into Eridan.

Everyone gasped.

"John you look different..." Rose peculiured.

John: waitaminute, didn't rose already see this? why is she so confused all of a sudden!?  
Jade: All together now; Logic...  
All: It doesn't exist.

"Sollux. My enemey. Youmust defet me to progess in yor quest"  
Sollux smirkes and takes roses rist. she yellped and then Sollux diisapparated and let a bloody note saying 'daddys cuming for you equius'.

Everyone: Ew ew ew ew EWWWWW!!!!

Jade began to cry.

"how do we getto desre" eridan growled

"Katkat was from there but he no longer is" Gamzee thought

Twilight:...*breaks down crying* So many grammar errors...so many...*sobs*  
Italy: *pats her back* There there...

"jade you need to hide yo kids." eridan said sereusly.

John: AUGH! i can't resist! hide yo kids, hide yo wife, hide yo kids, hide yo wife!  
Jade: *smacks him*  
John: thank you. 

"ok" jade repled

"Gamzee, tarvos and feferi cum with me we need to see a gene named aradia who will tell us how to get there"

"ok" they all said

Jade: im starting to think the author is using that word on purpose now.   
John: where'd twi go?  
Italy: She's using your shower.  
*cut to Twilight, curled up crying on the floor of the shower*  
Twilight: SO MANY SPELLING ERRORS!!!!!  
John: twilight! you better not shed in there!

**SO WIL ARADIA HELP THEM? WAT IS GUNNA HAPPN TEEHEEE!**

John: is it me, or are these chapter getting shorter?  
Jade: theyre getting less coherent, i know that.  
*Twilight returns, levitating a towel to dry off with*  
Twilight: What did I miss?  
Italy: The ending of this chapter! ^_^  
Twilight: Wait, really? Well isn't that kind of abru--

To be continued...


	7. Episode 1: Homestuck High part 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yeah...

My Little HetaStuck MST  
Episode 1  
Homestuck High  
Part 7

Twilight Sparkle: Our author has warned us that another bad sex scene is in this one.  
Jade Harley: im so done. see you all later. *teleports away*  
John Egbert: i'm sick of this author putting me in sexual situations! i'm gonna sue her for sexual harassment! and pedophilia!  
Italy: *while making a big pot of pasta* I've tried that, John. My lawyer said it would be difficult for a case to end in favor of a fictional character, so I had to drop the charges.  
John: dangit! i hate being a fictional character!  
Twilight: Okay, you two, quit being meta and let's start reading; we only have one more chapter after this, so let's just get this over with.

**my frend told me 2 try ritin in da pov off sumone so i will try 2 do that this chapter ok so plz tell me if it ok.**

All: OH NO!!!!

JOHN POV

i relly didnt no what to do about it all it realy seemed to much. I was in love with rose but somthing didnot feel rite about it. it seemd as tho she was ledding meonto sumthing that i felt unsuely aboot. I fell as thought i should protect her but it was all to much and i was scarred. i didnt no if i wanted to do this.

"My boy" tarvos cooed as we waked up the mountain "yu can do this becaus you are a worrior and u strive for it!"

John: "aboot"? when did i become canadian?  
Twilight:...  
John: twi?  
Twilight:...so...many...spelling errors...  
Italy: Look at all those spell check lines...

"i feel liek my luck has gone with the wind tho" 

John: *FACEPALM*

i repelled "do i rely love rose? Or is their someone else?"

John: it's like a slashfic!  
Italy: It _is_ a slashfic! CJ told us that the sex scene is between you, Gamzee and Karkat/Tavros!  
John: what? but i'm not a homosexual!  
CJ Croen: THERE! I WROTE IT! NOW I NEVER HAVE TO BE TEMPTED TO WRITE IT AGAIN!  
Twilight: Technically, you're not a homosexual here, either; you're in love with Rose, but you are also attracted to Gamzee and Karkat/Tavros. This would make you bisexual.  
Italy: Like me! *hands out bowls of pasta*  
John: okay, but i'm not bisexual in canon!  
Twilight: Yes. But this is fanfiction.  
Italy: FANFICTION! WHERE EVERYONE LOVES EVERYONE!  
John: *FACEPALM X2 COMBO*

"maybe i can help you decade in time jonathan" tarvos wiggled his eyebros.

John: where the heck did karvos come from?  
Twilight: Why bother asking? The story will never explain.

I begun too fell hot at that. Tarvos was attractive nd i had a crush on karkit when he was their but i wasnt homo. 

John: and i'm not! tavros is a good looking guy, and karkat is one of my best friends, but it's not like i want to have sloppy yaoi make outs with them!  
Twilight:...Wow...the mental image that gave me...excuse me while I take a cold shower  
John: given how many showers we've been taking, i'm surprised that all of our showers haven't been cold...

I loved rose and i needed too procreate her babys from Sollux sence she was a woman so she couldnt do it. i had to be a man and standup for her.

Twilight: As a character created by a feminist, I find that offensive!

I new rose all ways had a thing four jade to. the way they looked at one anoter was filed with hot firy passione and i new they wanted one another. It was kinda hot tho sence they were two girls and it turns me on.

Italy: TMI...  
John: why is this relevant?  
Twilight: It's not.

suddenly there was a hand on my figh. I mooned and saw it was Tarvos who were grinin at me.

John: wait, i _mooned_ him? why?

My face was red and i lucked awaay but Gamzee caught it. his eye fishes in my and there were no where to look. I was surronded.

John: my face was probably red because i was showing him my butt. again, why?

"we no u want ouer harddics in your harddrive johnny..." tarvos giggled

All: LAME.

I moaned.

Twilight: OH SWEET CELESTIA THANK YOU FOR GOOD GRAMMAR!

"we wont tell rose it okay" gamzee seed when cumming over "my wand can make miracles."

they were rite.i wanted it. i wanted themm. this is who i am.

Twilight:...It was fun while it lasted.

"Ok...do it..." i said and pulled down my pants.

Twilight: OKAY, OKAY, THAT'S ENOUGH! We will spare you all from the details.  
John: long story short: gamzee, karvos and i have graphic, badly written sex, karvos remembers that he's actually karkat, the end.

**karkats back now! WHTT WILL HAPPN IDK LOL I DO BUT U DNT REVEW PLZ OK HE PLOTZ GETTIN HARDUR!**

John: something tells me that that was supposed to be sexual in some way.  
Twilight: It's already over? These chapters seem to be getting shorter and shorter every update!  
Italy: And that's good, right?  
Twilight: Of course! I'm just surprised! It's like the author's getting extremely lazy!  
John: probably. after all, the last chapter is after this one.  
*pause*  
All: HURRAY!

To be concluded...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I've been inactive. My computer's been having problems with its charger. I'm going to Chicago to visit my grandparents for the Holidays, so my mom thinks that I can get my uncle to fix my computer.
> 
> I'm also planning on finishing this fanfic before I continue working on Herculesstuck. However, I'm also going to make a Christmas fanfic very, very soon. See you then!


	8. Episode 1: Homestuck High Part 8END

My Little HetaStuck MST  
Episode 1  
Homestuck High  
Part 8 (end)

Twilight Sparkle: After what feels like two and a half months...  
Italy: I GET IT!  
Twilight:...we have made it to the last chapter!  
John Egbert and Italy: YAAAY!!!!  
Twilight: But we're still supposed to riff it!  
John: AUGH!!!  
Italy: The good news is that the author wants to take a break from multi chapter epics after this!

Rose was seating sadly on the bed with the carcasses of fracktured bones and devil chi;ldren surronded at her feet with the blood of angleic innosence on her fingertips.

Twilight: The author isn't even trying anymore, is she?

Sollux hath taken her away from her friendships and had carved her into a crimsen spicked room with mutalated woman hanging from the cielings by their ovulation systems and with the baba fetuses in there eye sockets. 

Twilight: Oh sweet suffering Luna this sentence is foul!  
John: and the spelling errors make it unintentionally hilarious.  
Italy: "Baba"?

She new that if she wasn't plesurabl enough for Solux she would join them in there patehtic orginic mooonlight tango sway dancings. 

She dreamed of a dream that bleed into the feers of presipece and her eyed sangof a tail of forgetten masurcation.

John: i can't even understand any of this!  
Italy: So...they are dancing?  
Twilight: Sure, why not...

"Rose" Sollex repairended as his cracked yellow and crusted fingernaels claws at her underbelly with a loving delite "I can sence the baba's souL!"

The misphoniac creyd and excreeted loudly

All: EWWWW!!!!!

weith a voice that belowed songs from the hearth of a love she lost "No! YOu are a fat nerd geek with wired glasses that feasts on the fetuses of gothic childs sent frm haven to punish your instigationed soul!

John: only two parts of that description are accurate.

I CAN;T HAV SIX WITH A TROLL LIKE YOU!"

John: i'm so confused! is sollux supposed to be a troll or a demon?

he probebly had fifteen girths any way.

Twilight: What the heck does that mean?  
*John and Italy shrug*

"YOU LIE!" he hisses and his vemnom spat a cross the walls and turnwed the bodys of the mutalated victems in to hydrocloric acid and it leathered down and burnt throught the skull made floors. 

Twilight: I hate to break it to you, but that's not how venom works...

He flew flew backwards to the corner of his cieling and gloared at her 

Italy: Twilight, John, you guys have wings and wind powers respectively, how does one "fly fly"?  
*John and Twilight shrug*

"I lust johnatan NOT YOU!" she eviscerated softly wilst she cries the velvit tears odf the mennopauses that climacate from the ruens of the reched pedimeants of life.

"HE IS CUMMING FOR ME"

John: too easy...  
Twilight: Also, that's not how you use the word "eviscerated".

"No Rosa..." Sollux abatemented and he toke of his glasses to reveal the eyes of a worm lordess 

John: who is rosa?  
Italy: I don't think worms have eyes...

who crathed the fleash of the billium rectations of lacing china silk and his sockets were emptyed with aluminiem tissues made from the pancreus of god, "HE HAS SEXUAL INTERCURSE WITH GAMHEE AND TAVROS IN THE MOUNTAIN." he came.

All: STOP WITH THE SEX!!!!  
John: also, i didn't think sollux was a yaoi fanboy.  
Italy: I'm a yaoi fanboy!

Rose started to crey the tears of raen that fals on venus only no raen ever gos their becuz theres no warter

Twilight: I appreciate the scientific accuracy, but why are you making a comparison if you're just going to render it moot?

but they were filed with the love of volcanic explshions and exploitees.

Her tears made ouddles on the floor as she run form the room and Sloluz laughed liekt the evil man he was]

John: muahahaha! i am an evil cliche demon who breaks a girl's heart and laughs at her!  
Twilight: And I want to use the single most complicated and contrived plot possible to beat everyone! Muahahaha!  
Italy: And all will become one with my awesomeness! Marry me! Hon hon hon!  
Twilight and John:...  
Italy: I don't have a villain in my show, okay? I had to work with the closest things I had.

and cascadared down so that the voilcanic water eruoted from her eyes went over his cloths and set them on fire but did not kil him becauze he's not flamabil.

John: of course he's not "flamabil". he's a demon!

Soon he would watter his sweat rose with the piss of a 1000 dragoons beter then she watered herself (AN: LYK PHOTOSINFURSIS.)

Twilight: THAT IS NOT HOW PHOTOSYNTHESIS WORKS!!!

She preeched out her creys liek a jesus gospil book only it wasnt a book byut a song so shut up.

Nepita came from the rapprochement of Neptune and flys through the windpw smelling like the rottan corpses of a hundread falcons who eat the spit of neckbeerds and cry form the rapped childs of acquiescene and luggaged toward the willting flower.

John: when did wacky catgirl nepeta get involved?  
Twilight and Italy: The world may never know...

She had bought froth the antediluvian waters of neptunia to heel her soul befor it was selled to the obsolote devil in dersey.

"Eat the water" she beleagured and rose eat it up.

"You must fight the power"

Twilight: *facehoof* You don't _eat_ water! And that's not how you use the word "beleagured"!

neptuina crotheled in dissamence her wiskers food from ASDA peace whistled in lite harmeny wen her eyes fested upon rose's week body.

her tonge rise forth from the grond to pluck out a needel thred that she plunged in to her skin so she to could dancing in the abanaxed magnatic heet of the sun with her pussy and handled it to Rose "Use et as le lockpic."

John: looks like rose isn't exactly a vision of fidelity either...

"if you continu with this you well break you're mind." the fluoresent crows cawudeled in lustful desier as they pluked the maggots from there inermost sacral areas to fed rose.

Italy: *vomits a rainbow onto the floor*  
Twilight: Eeww!  
John: Italy!  
Italy: I'm sorry...

"i must fight for john and our baby and for HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATION!" rose molested the

"Very Well" Nepeta "I will make arrangments."

Rose slept uneasy that night.

John: what.

**that's da end of chupter 8! plz review wat wil nepeta plan wats goin 2 hapen 2 tarvos now karkat again revoo n find out!**

Twilight: The end. So, what did everyone think?  
John: it was the most disgusting and infuriating thing I have ever read.  
Italy: I thought it was hilarious! And disgusting.  
Twilight: Very well...my opinion; it was just bad. The spelling and plot both deteriorated into nothing as time went by and it turned all of the characters into insane nitwits. This was a bad story, plain and simple.  
John: so what now?  
Twilight: Well, next we'll be reviewing a bad fanfiction from either my series or Italy's.  
Italy: So until then, hasta la pasta!  
Twilight: Farewell!  
John: See ya!

To be continued


	9. Episode 2: Cupcakes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Twilight faces one of her worst fears while John laughs at her and Italy freaks out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I'm late XD 
> 
> I was skeptical about this one, but I decided "meh, why not?"

MLHST MSTs  
Episode 2  
"Cupcakes"

Twilight Sparkle: Why hello everypony. My name is Twilight Sparkle and welcome to the Badfic Theater. Joining me again are Italy...  
Italy: Hello!  
Twilight: And John Egbert.  
John Egbert: HEY!  
Twilight: Now, our author and employer, CJ Croen, has sent us our newest fanfiction. Now let's see...*levitates a scroll* We will be reading...*looks horrified* Um, there has been a mistake, we will not be riffing today, goodbye!  
John: *grabs scroll* gimme that! *reads it* we'll be riffing on "cupcakes" by someone who calls himself "sergeant sprinkles"! *dramatic lightning*  
Twilight: NO! WE ARE NOT READING THAT!!!!  
Italy: What's wrong with "Cupcakes"? *dramatic lightning*  
Twilight: It is one of the WORST My Little Pony fanfics ever!  
John: if you already know about it, than why are we riffing it?  
Italy: Yeah, why are we riffing "Cupcakes"? *dramatic lightning*  
Twilight: Will you STOP saying its name? Anyway, the scroll says that Mr. Croen wants us to read it because he figured it would be "expected of us". Plus...well...I've never actually read it.  
John and Italy: WHAT!?  
John: you're making a fuss over "cupcakes" *dramatic lightning* when you've never even read it!?  
Twilight: Well, Pinkie Pie told me all about it! She said she thought it was ridiculous, but what she described was horrifying!  
John: yeah, 'cause with a name like "cupcakes" *dramatic lightning* it must be terrible. *rolls eyes*  
Twilight: It's true!  
Italy: Why don't we just read it?  
Twilight: Well it seems we don't have a choice, so fine.  
Pinkie Pie: Ooh! We're reading "Cupcakes"? *dramatic thunder* Cool! Scoot over! *sits next to Twilight*

The air was warm, the sun was shining, and all of Ponyville was having a glorious day. The town square was bustling and crowded. Busy ponies were making their busy way through the streets. All the pony folk seemed to have somewhere to be. All, except Rainbow Dash. Her place was in the sky. She freely tore through the air, speeding one way and the next. She buzzed the tree tops and raced the wind. The pegasus swooped over a schoolyard, much to the delight of the children. Climbing several hundred feet, she dove, going as fast as she could. Seconds before hitting the ground, her wings flew open and she took off back into the clear blue. Rainbow felt alive.

Twilight: That won't last long.

Then she remembered that she had somewhere to be; she supposed to meet with Pinkie Pie in five minutes. She’d gotten so caught up in her exercises that she nearly forgot.

Pinkie had asked Dash to meet her at Sugercube Corner at three. She didn’t say why or what they’d be doing, but Dash knew that with Pinkie, it could be anything. She wasn’t sure if she really wanted to go, though. She was so engaged with her stunts that she thought about blowing Pinkie off to continue flying.

Twilight: Oh yeah, because Rainbow Dash, the bearer of the Element of _LOYALTY_ would totally blow Pinkie off to continue flying. *rolls eyes*

But, Dash’s conscience got the better of her. She knew that it would hurt Pinkie’s feelings; after all, she said it was going to be something special just for the two of them. She considered it and thought “why not.” What did she have to lose? Heck, it might be more pranking. Pinkie might have found a bunch more fun stuff to pull off on folks. They’d so much fun the last time. Dash kicked it into overdrive, mostly to make for lost time, and sped to her appointment.

Pinkie: Silly Rainbow Dash! You shouldn't EXPECT anything from me! Except maybe the unexpected!  
John: i don't get it. this all sounds really innocent!  
Italy: I know!  
Pinkie: Oh you'll see...>:)

When she walked into the store, she was immediately greeted with her host bouncing in excitement.

“Yay, you’re here, you’re here. I’ve been waiting allll day.” Said the jumping pony.

“Sorry if I’m a little late, Pinkie. I was doing my afternoon exercises and lost track of time.” Dash apologized.

John: only a few paragraphs in and i'm already bored.  
Italy: Me too!  
Twilight: Then we'll skip ahead a little bit...

“That’s the spirit. Here you go.” Pinkie handed Dash a cupcake.

Dash was puzzled “I thought I was helping you bake.”

“You will be. I made this one just for you before you got here.

“So, is this like taste testing or something?”

“Sorta” Pinkie said.

Dash shrugged and popped the pastry in her mouth. She chewed a bit and swallowed. Not bad.

“Ok, now what?” Dash asked.

“Now,” Pinkie informed “You take a nap.”

John: wait, what?  
Italy: Huh?  
Pinkie: Here it comes! :D  
Twilight: *facehoof* Here it comes...D:

Upon hearing that, Dash felt lightheaded. Her world spun and ,seconds later, she dropped to the floor.

John and Italy: Wait, WHAT!?  
Pinkie: YES! Here comes the creepy part!  
Twilight: *sigh* Well, while I'm at it, you two want barf bags?  
Italy: No thank you.  
John: i'm good.  
Twilight: Oh, trust me...you two will _need_ them. *hands them the barf bags*

When Dash regained conciseness, she found herself in a dark room. She tried to shake her head but found that the taut leather strap kept it firmly in place. She struggled to move, but the braces around her chest and limbs glued her to the upright planks. Her legs were spread wide apart. The only part of her not tied down were her wings as the frame was backless. As she writhed, Pinkie jumped into her line of sight.

Italy: Oh God! This isn't going to turn into the type of fanfiction I think it is, is it!?  
Twilight: Do I WANT to know what you think it is?  
Italy: It sounds like a rape story! I've seen tons of those in my fandom!  
Pinkie: Oh don't worry, Italy! It's actually MUCH worse!  
Italy: O_O

“Goodie, you’re awake. Now we can get started.” She gleefully stated. She was pushing a cart covered with a cloth.

“Pinkie, what’s going on? I can’t move!” Dash said in a worry.

“Well, duh, you’re tied down.” Pinkie chided “That’s why you can’t move. I didn’t think you needed to told that.”

Pinkie: Silly Dashie! You should have figured that out!

“But why? What’s happening? I thought you said I was going to help make cupcakes.”

“You are helping. You see. I ran out of the special ingredient and I need you to get more.”

“Special ingredient”? Dash was now breathing heavily and starting to panic. “What special ingredient”?

Pinkie giggled and responded “You, silly.”

John: oh god! now i get it!  
Italy: EEP!  
Twilight: Get your barf bags ready.

Dash’s eyes widen, her face contorted in fear. Then she started to laugh ”Woo, really got me there, Pinkie pie. I mean, tricking me in to thinking I’m gonna get made to a cupcake. I gotta tell you, this the best prank yet. You win, you’re the best.“

Pinkie giggled even more. “Aw, thanks Dash. But I haven’t done pranks today, so I can’t accept your praise.”

Dash was struggling again. “Pinkie, come on, this isn’t funny.”

“Then why were you laughing”? Pinkie grabbed the cloth and whipped it off the cart. The top of the tray contained various sharp medical tools and knives carefully organized and ready. There was a medicine bag and several other objects next to them.

Twilight: BECAUSE SHE THOUGHT IT WAS A JOKE YOU IDIOT! *to the real Pinkie* No offense.  
Pinkie: None taken!

Dash was now in full panic mode. She was starting to hyperventilate. Her mind was racing and she tried to reason with the pink pony. “You can’t do this Pinkie! I’m your friend!”

“I know you are and that’s why I’m so happy it’s that I’ve got you here. We get to share your last moments together, just you and me.” She was skipping again.

Pinkie: Now doesn't that sound like something I would say?  
Twilight, John and Italy: NO!  
Pinkie: Yeah, you're probably right.

“But, the other ponies will wonder where I am. When the clouds pile up, they’ll come looking for me and then you’ll get found out.” Dash was desperate.

“Oh, Dash” Pinkie said “don‘t worry, there are plenty of pegasus to take care of a few clouds. And besides, no will find out. I mean, how long do you think I’ve been doing this?” And with that the lights suddenly came to life and showcased the rest the room.

John and Italy: *scoot as far away from Pinkie as human and nationly possible*

“Oh god, no” Dash reeled in horror at the image presented to her. The room was decorated with a typical but twisted Pinkie Pie flair. Colorful streamers of dried entrails danced around the ceiling, brightly painted skulls of all sizes were stuck on the walls, and organs done up in pastels filled with helium tied to the backs of chairs. The tables and chairs were made of bones and flesh of past ponies. Dash cringed at the center piece on the table nearest to her. The heads of four foals, their eyes closed like they were sleeping, wearing party hats made from their own skin. She recognized one of them as Apple Bloom’s classmate. Her eyes darted back and forth and then gazed up at the patchwork banner hanging from the rafters. Made from several pony hides, the words “Life is a party” were scrawled in red.

Twilight: OH SWEET CELESTIA SHE KILLED TWIST!  
Pinkie: Aint I a stinker? :)

Dash’s attention was stolen by a party horn unfurling and tickling her nose. She saw Pinkie Pie standing in front of her. The party pony was wearing a dress quilted from cutie marks. On her back fluttered six pegasus wings, all different colors. As she skipped in excitement, her necklace of unicorn horns loudly clacked together.

“Like it”? She asked “I made it myself.”

Dash pleaded. “Pinkie please, I’m sorry if I did anything to you. I didn’t mean it. Please let me go. I promise I won’t tell anybody.”

“Oh Dash, you didn’t do anything. It’s just that your number came up and, well, I don’t make rules. We can’t turn back now.”

Rainbow Dash was tearing up. How could this be happening?

Twilight: How indeed. Who _does_ make the rules, Pinkie?  
Pinkie: I dunno. I asked ol' Sergeant Sprinkles but he never responded. Most sequels say it's Celestia.  
Twilight: Well that's just awful!

Rainbow Dash was tearing up. How could this be happening?

“Aww don’t be sad Dash” Pinkie said “Look this’ll cheer you up. I brought you a friend.”

Out of seemingly nowhere, Pinkie displayed a blue and yellow painted skull. It was about pony sized, but it had a very defining feature: a beak.

Twilight: Oh sweet Celestia, don't tell me...

Dash was freaking out. “Is…is that…is…that?”

“Hey, Dash lets hang together. These ponies are lame-os. Dweebs dweebs dweebs.” Pinkie mimicked. “I caught her right before she left town. Remember when I left the party for about twenty minutes? That wasn’t enough time to play with her of course, I had to wait till after the party to do that. But boy am I glad I did. It was worth for the flavor alone. Griffons taste like two animals at once, it’s amazing. I know she didn’t have number like everyone else in Ponville, but when was I gonna get another chance to try a griffon. I hindsight, I probably should have asked where she came from so I can get more, but I forgot. I’ll tell you what though, she was quite the fighter. Lasted a long time, which was fun for me, I got chance to play with somebody other than a pony and try new things. It’s too bad she had such a potty mouth. She said so much bad stuff, I had to take her tongue out. You know, bad language makes for bad feelings, Dash.”

Dash didn’t have anything to say. She just sobbed and writhed.

John: so pinkie pie, you wanted to commit _genocide_ because you wanted to eat more griffons!?  
Pinkie: Probably...I don't really know what "genocide" means so...  
Italy: It means attempting to wipe out an entire group or culture.  
*everyone looks at him*  
Italy: I lived through World War II.

“Well” Pinkie said, putting the skull down” that’s enough reminiscing, it’s time to begin.” She picked up a scalpel and walked over to Dash’s right flank.

Twilight: Barf bag time!  
*everyone except Pinkie Pie gets their barf bags ready.

Without any flair, she placed the blade an inch above her cutie mark and started a circular cut around it. Her lungs working overtime, Dash shouted in pain and tried desperately to pull away. But the braces held her still. Finishing the incision, Pinkie grabbed the curved skinning knife from the tray. She worked it under the skin and sliced the hide away from the muscle. Dash ground her teeth as she tearfully watched as her flesh came off. Pinkie then moved to the other side and completed the other flank. Once she was done, Pinkie held up both cutie marks in front of her friend and started waving them like pompoms. Dash just whimpered. Her thighs burned.

Twilight: *hurls into barf bag* Ughhh...  
Pinkie: Ooh! That's gotta hurt! Poor Rainbow Dash!  
John: *pukes into bag* gross...why did you carve off her...weird...butt mark thingie?  
Pinkie: Well duh! I wanted to add it to my fancy dress!  
Italy: *vomits a rainbow into the bag*  
Twilight:...Italy *pulls out a notepad and quill* why do you puke rainbows?  
Italy: Oh, well that's a very interesting story!

Placing the skin down, Pinkie selected the large butcher knife and walked behind Rainbow Dash.

“Hope you don’t mind, I think I’m gonna wing it now. “ Pinkie laughed.

Pinkie: HA HA HA HA! Whoo! Even in bad fanfictions I've still got it!  
John: yeah...hilarious *rolls eyes*  
Italy:...anyway, that's why I puke rainbows!  
Twilight: Fascinating...and a little bit gross.

She grabbed the left one and played with it for a second. Then, stretching the wing out, she brought the blade down at the base. Instantly, Dash screamed and thrashed her appendage. The movement threw off Pinkie Pies aim. She tried to hit the mark again but missed wide and put a huge slice in Rainbow’s back.

Twilight: Given the memes associated with wings in the MLP fandom...I'd say this ends up sounding like something out of a work of torture porn.  
Pinkie: Ewww!  
John: yeah, twilight! thanks for that mental image, ugh!  
Italy: If you've seen half of what I have had to read, you'd be immune.  
Pinkie: Well, no matter! On to the cupcakes!  
*dramatic lightning*  
John: who keeps doing that?  
Twilight: I'll go check.

“Dash, you gotta stay still or I’ll keep missing.”

She took another whack and hit the target. She swung again and again, blood spraying into the air, but realized she wasn’t getting anywhere. The blade just wasn’t going through the bone.

Twilight: Okay, everypony, I found out who's been making the lightning.  
Slender Man: **HEY GUYS!**  
Italy: EEK! A PICTONIAN!  
Pinkie: Nah, that's just my pal the Slender Man!  
Slender Man: **Hey guys, can I be in your MST?**  
Everyone except Pinkie Pie: NO!  
Slender Man: **Aw c'mon guys, I just wanna be in your MST!**  
Pinkie: You guys should probably let him. He won't go away even if you tell him to.  
Twilight: Fine. I guess he can stay.  
Slender Man: **Thanks! I am glad I came to this fanfiction! I am attracted to things that are scary!**  
John: You look familiar...do you know someone named "Doc Scratch"?  
Slender Man: **Never heard of him.**

“Hmm, I guess I forgot to sharpen it. I’ll try something else.” She stated as she tossed the knife over her shoulder; the blade embedding itself in the table.

The crying Rainbow Dash heard the sound of a metal box opening and closing.

“Got it! Say Dash, why do they call it a hack saw? It doesn’t hack; hacking is what I was doing with the knife. This is a saw. I don’t get it.”

Pinkie: I started asking that after I first read this, but everyone freaked out when I did.

Pinkie placed the tool over the last attempt. It effortlessly sailed through the bone and skin. The painful feeling of the teeth grinding biting into her made Dash want to vomit. She watched helplessly as her wing flew over her head and land with a fluff on the table. Pinkie moved the next and started sawing. Dash didn’t struggle this time; she’d given up trying to fight and just cried. Then the sawing abruptly paused. Pinkie was only half way done, the wing hanging off by only a sliver.

Everyone except Slender Man: EWWW!  
Slender Man: **This author has a great sense of humor!**  
*Twilight, John and Italy all puke into their barf bags*

“Hey Dash” she piped up “think fast”

John: oh no, i don't like the sound of that!

Suddenly, she yanked the wing as hard as sure could. The bone snapped but the skin held tight. The pull ripped a long strip flesh down Dash’s back to her rump. The unexpected trauma caused her body seize. She felt the warm release between legs as her pelvis tensed up. Dash’s loud, unending melody of pain filled the room. Unable to catch her breath, she blacked out.

She awoke with a gasp. The stench of her urine filled her mucus caked nostrils. She saw a very pouty Pinkie Pie removing the adrenaline needle from her chest. Stomping her hooves, the frustrated Pinkie lashed out.

John: aww, not again! *vomits into bag, while Italy and Twilight do the same*

“Didn’t anybody teach you any manners? It’s very rude to fall asleep when somebody invites you over to spend time with them. How would like if I came over to your house and went to sleep. “Oh I’m sorry Dash, you’re boring, I think I’ll take a nap.” You think I like always doing this by myself. I told you how excited I got when I found you were next. I was excited to have to a friend be here with me while I worked. But NOOOOO! You’ve got to be inconsiderate. You know, I thought you were tough, I thought you could handle anything. I’ve had foals stand up better than you. Do I have to baby you? Huh? Is that how you want me to remember you, as a baby?”

Slender Man: **When did Pinkie Pie become my mother?**

She stopped to catch her breath. Dash blinked and softly cried. Her back was on fire.

Pinkie then popped something red into her mouth and began to chew. She noticed Dash was staring at her.

“What?” she asked. “Oh this?” Holding up another piece. “Well, while YOU were asleep, I got a little impatient and helped myself sample. I got it from your leg, you’re not bad. Wanna try some”?

Italy: Wait, how long was Rainbow Dash asleep, again?

Without waiting for a response, she shoved the strip of meat into the revolted Rainbow Dash’s mouth. She immediately spit it out. Pinkie picked up. “if you didn’t want it, you could have said no.” She then ate the discarded snotty morsel. “It’s not like you haven’t had it before.”

Twilight: Ugh!  
Italy: *wiping his mouth* I don't think I have any more rainbows to throw up.  
John: me neither.  
Jade Harley: *teleports in* hey there, just checking in! what are you guys reading this time?  
John: cupcakes.  
Slender Man: *dramatic lightning*  
Jade: later! *teleports away*

Swallowing, she turned her attention to the small can on the tray. She removed the lid, revealing that it was filled with burning coals. Sitting on top of the fire were several large nails. Dash began to panic again. Pinkie picked up the can and walked over to Dash’s left. Carefully picking up a nail and grabbing a hammer, she positioned the spike at the seam between her leg and her hoof.

Pinkie: Oh no...oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no! Guys, we gotta skip this one!  
Twilight: Why?  
Pinkie: This is like the WORST part!  
Twilight: Well, how much worse could it be...  
*Pinkie covers her eyes and the rest read on. They are visibly disturbed*

“PLEASE STOP! PLEASE, PLEASE STOP!”

Pinkie rolled her eyes. Putting hammer back down, she walked back in front of her friend. She stared pensively at the broken pegasus. Gilda didn’t even cry this much when she stuck that live parasprite down her throat. Pinkie thought for a minute about what to do next. Then there was a sudden spark in her imagination. She grabbed the gear wheel on the rack and laid Rainbow Dash on her back. She moved to Dash’s hind legs, bringing the can with her. Pinkie picked up the hammer again and she drove a searing piece of metal into the bottom of Dash’s hoof. Dash screamed again: Pinkie put one into the other hoof. 

All except Pinkie and Slender Man: AUUUUGHHHH!  
Twilight: OH CELESTIA ABOVE MY HOOVES ARE BURNING WITH SYMPATHY!  
Pinkie: I warned you guys...

Next she located the small generator on the tray. Tying the copper wires to the nails, she gave Dash a wink and flipped the switch. Electricity rocketed through Dash’s body. The blue pony reacted immediately; body seized, muscles struck taut. Her hips thrust skyward and her eyes rolled back. She let out a deep, throat shredding cry. Pinkie giggled and danced in place. She turned up the juice. Dash convulsed uncontrollably. Her bladder emptied once more.

Twilight: Okay, this one is just biologically inaccurate; pegasi have a natural tolerance to electricity due to working with lightning so much.  
Italy: I remember in one episode of your show Rainbow Dash was hurt by lightning.  
Twilight: I never said it _can't_ hurt them, just not to the extent we're being shown.

After about five minutes, Pinkie shut off the power. The area smelled lightly of cooked flesh and burnt enamel. She put Dash upright again and tried snap the delirious and drooling pony to back to attention.

“Dash. Daaash. Wake up.” Rainbow Dash managed to give her a modicum of weak acknowledgment.

Pinkie reached into the medicine bag and produced and large syringe. “Alright, time for the last round”

Dash looked at the needle and Pinkie took that as a question as to what it was.

“Something to take the pain away” she informed as she walked around to Dash’s ruined back side. She stuck the needle into the lower part of her spine. Dash flinched.

Twilight: I wish you'd take our pain away.  
Pinkie: I will! The story's almost over!  
All: YAAAAAY!

Coming to the front again, she told her friend, “In a few minutes, you won’t be able to feel anything below your ribcage. Then you’ll be able to stay awake to watch the harvest.”

Dash started to cry again. “Pinkie” she trembled out.

“Yeah?”

“I want to go home.” Dash openly sobbed.

“Yeah, I can see wanting to do that.” The party pony replied. “Sometimes, I just wanna give up, say “I’m done with this mess” and go to bed. But you know what; you can’t shrug off your responsibilities. You got to pull yourself up and meet the challenges head on. That’s to the only way you’re gonna get ahead in life.”

Dash cried.

Twilight: Pinkie...how could you do this? How could you do this to Rainbow Dash...your best friend? How?  
Pinkie: Don't worry Twilight. I didn't really do it, remember? It's just a silly story. And when it's over, we'll all laugh about it! :)  
Twilight: :)  
Everyone else: Awww!

Minutes passed and the drug took affect. Dash was numb from her chest to her flanks. Aware of this, Pinkie approached with her scalpel. With only a smiling glance to Dash, she made a long cut across her pelvis just above her crotch. Moving up her body, she drew a similar incision under her ribs. One final cut was made down her stomach, connecting the first two.

“Looks like I got my I on you, Dash.”

Pinkie: Swish!

With a moist, gooey sound, the new door flapped opened. The sight of her own organs and the lack of feeling caused Dash’s breathing to intensify. Pinkie sliced open the abdominal sac and grabbed the large intestines. Separating it from the rest of the digestive tract and pulling them from the forming cavity, Pinkie was getting jovial and starting making jokes. Dash, growing weaker from the new source of blood loss, tried to shut out the comedy act. Pinkie was laughing.

Italy: *hurls another rainbow*  
Everyone else: UGH!  
Italy: I was wrong...

“Look at me, I’m Rarity!” she said, slinging the tube around her neck and spreading blood in all directions. “Isn’t my new scarf soooo pretty”?

Twilight: Why are we dragging Rarity into this!?

Reaching back in, she cut the smaller intestine off the bowls. Squeezing out the excess excrement, Pinkie filed it through her teeth and dragged it back and forth. “Dentists say you gotta floss every day, Dash.”

Twilight and John: *vomit into their barf bags*

Rainbow Dash was barely aware of what was going on anymore. The shock was causing her to fade. Pinkie got disappointed. Diving back into the guts, she ramped up her routine.

“Aw, don’t go yet Dash.” She started pulling out the rest of the organs, stopping at each one. “I know I can be a real painaceas, but you know I’m just kidney with you. You really got to learn to liver it up. Boy, these jokes are getting bladder. Guess ya gotta develop a stomach for them.” She placed the discarded body parts into a bucket, keeping the last one for bit longer.

Pinkie: Still got it!

“Ooo, bagpipes.” she said, placing the tube in her mouth and the organ in her armpit. A spurt of acid hit her tongue. ”Eww. Oh hey, there’s your cupcake, Dash.”

Dash, didn’t hear her. She had slipped from conciseness minutes ago. Pinkie, not satisfied yet, hit her with another adrenaline shot. Dash woke up for the last time, her heart jumping. Her blood flowed out faster; it wouldn’t be long now.

Twilight: Please, let this end soon!

Pinkie put Dash on her down her back and straddled her chest, scalpel at the ready.

“Ya know, Rainbow Dash, I’m disappointed. I thought you would have lasted longer. I really wanted to spend more time with you before we got here. But I guess it’s my fault, I should have taken it a little slower. Oh well, it was really was nice knowing you, Dash”.

The blade sunk into the blue one’s throat and worked its way up her chin. Coming back down, it circled around her neck. The last thing Dash felt was her skin being cut away from her skull, the metal scraping her teeth.

Then she was gone.

Twilight: AHHHHHH! T_T  
John: *shudders* what a way to go!  
Italy: Yeah!  
Pinkie: Don't worry! We're almost at the end!

Pinkie Pie stared into the mirror. She did a really good job, even keeping the eyelids. She winked, Dash winked back. Pinkie smiled.

But still, she was sad that her friend was now gone. It only lasted fifty minutes, not nearly as long as she wanted. She looked back the cadaver hanging there in the center of the room, the last of its fluids draining in to the pan. Yup, no more Rainbow Dash.

Then Pinkie cocked her head. She was starting to take notice of the fact that there really wasn’t that much damage. “It fact”, she began to think “I think….” An idea exploded in her head. She was good at sewing and she had all the pieces, all she had to do put her back together. Yeah, just get some stuffing and bingo, she’d have Rainbow Dash forever. In fact, that’s what she’d do for all her friends when their numbers came up. She was so excited, she skipped over to the body with the skinner to get started. The cupcakes can wait; Pinkie had a friend to make.

Twilight: Thank Celestia in Canterlot it's over!  
Pinkie: Not quite!  
Twilight: What?  
Pinkie: We've got a stinger to read!  
Twilight: What!? Why!?  
Pinkie: Let's just say we're reading the director's cut!  
Twilight: AUGH!

Silver Spoon suddenly woke up. She was on her back and couldn’t move. She couldn’t see. Where was she? Freaking out, she was just about to scream when the pony from the bakery appeared in front of her.

Twilight: Silver Spoon? Apple Bloom's bratty classmate?

“HI!” she giggled

“Where am I, what’s going on”? The frightened little foal asked.

“Oh, well, you see, your number came up and I gotta make cupcakes.” Pinkie explained.

Slender Man: *dramati--  
Twilight: Would you stop!?  
Slender Man: **Just setting the mood.**

“W…wha….what does that mean. What are you talking about”?

“Oh, nothing. I wouldn’t worry it if I was you. It’ll be over soon.” She approached the girl, scalpel at the ready when a small voice called out from behind.

“Miss Pinkie, what are you doing”?

She paused and turned to look at Apple Bloom. The yellow baby pony walked up to her with an angry look on her face. Silver Spoon started to feel relived.

Twilight: Apple Bloom! She's here to save Silver Spoon!

“Ah can’t believe your doing this.” She pouted. ”you said this one was gonna be mine.

Pinkie apologized “Oops, sorry about that, guess I got forgot. Here you go.” She handed the blade over.

Twilight: *facehoof* I should've seen that coming! *Pinkie pats her back*

Apple Bloom climbed on the table and stood over her prey. Silver Spoon tried to struggle. She stared in fear at Apple Bloom and her apron. The pink apron with a shiny tiara on it. Silver Spoon started to cry.

Apple Bloom grinned and open her mouth “Hey, Silver Spoon, guess who gonna be a blank flank”?

Twilight: UGH! It's finally over! This was terrible!  
Pinkie: Aww c'mon Twilight! It wasn't that bad!  
John: yeah it was!  
Italy: Ugh...I won't be able to eat for a while.  
Pinkie: Aw you guys have no sense of humor! What did you think, Slendy?  
Slender Man: **I loved it. But then again, I love anything that has to do with dismemberment**  
Pinkie: Well, you guys, don't worry about it! I'll tell you what, why don't we go to the ice cream parlour for some ice cream? My treat!  
Twilight: That would be nice, I guess.  
John: might get our minds off of it!  
Italy: Si!  
Slender Man: **I sure wish I had a tongue. Or a mouth**  
Pinkie: So let's go!  
*everyone goes to get ice cream while Pinkie and Italy sing*

To be continued...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hooray!
> 
> Well, that wraps up Cupcakes! Hope you enjoyed it!
> 
> I'll get started on a Hetalia one later and then a surprise one from an entirely new fandom! ;)


	10. Episode 3: Harry Potter Turns to the Lord

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A warning in advance: THIS CHAPER CONTAINS SPOILERS FROM THE HARRY POTTER BOOKS! BEWARE SPOILERS!

My Little HetaStuck MST  
Episode 3  
Harry Potter Turns to the Lord

(In the BadFic Theater, Twilight, John and Italy are sitting in the front row and greeting the readers)

Twilight Sparkle: Hi, everyone! We have some good news and some bad news.  
Italy: The bad news is that we won't be doing a Hetalia fanfic today. :(  
John Egbert: why can't we?  
Twilight: Because we couldn't find any properly bad fanfics.  
Italy: We could! We just couldn't find any that wasn't either porn, multi-chaptered epics or way too short!  
Twilight: That's exactly the problem! We do not allow porn, we are taking a break from multi-chaptered works and the short ones would make for uninteresting riffs!  
John: wait, if we don't do porn then why did we read "homestuck high"?  
Twilight: There is a _huge_ difference between "Homestuck High" and porn!  
John: what difference is that?  
(awkward silence)  
Twilight: Anyway, we will be taking requests from now on. Feel free to send any bad fanfictions you can find and we'll find a way to riff it! You can send in multi chaptered works, but you'll have to be patient and wait until we're ready to riff them at the end of our break, which will be notified in Mr. Croen's author notes. There is only one rule: No. Porn. EVER!  
Italy: I hope someone sends us a Hetalia fanfic soon!  
Twilight: On to the good news; that our next review will involve our first special guest! We will be riffing a "Harry Potter" fanfiction today! And it is called "Harry Potter Turns to the Lord" and it's written by Saint Abraham! Our special guest, of course, is none other than Harry Potter himself! The famed boy wizard of whom I, personally am a _huge_ fan!  
John: so...twi, would you call yourself a harry potter fangirl?  
Twilight: Fan _mare_ is the term in Equestria, but yes, I believe I would.  
John: ummm...twi, are you sure you're gonna be able to control yourself around him?  
Twilight: Oh, John! I'm not like _those_ fanmares! I know that underneath all of that fame and coolness, Mr. Potter is just a normal, average guy who just happens to be...  
(Harry enters. He's wearing jeans and a hoodie. He looks somewhat older now and has a goatee)  
Harry Potter: Hello, everyone.  
Twilight: THE GREATEST BOY WIZARD WHO EVER LIVED!!!!!!!!! (John and Italy try to restrain her, but Twilight teleports to Harry before they can) Hi Harry! I'm Princess Twilight Sparkle and I'm your biggest fan! I read all seven books, and after I read the seventh I cried, I cried for a week! Because it was so sad but soooooooooooo good! Plus, it was over! Oh my gosh, I'm babbling! It's just that you are _SOOOO_ awesome! (makes the /)^3^(\ face)  
Harry: (sincerely) You're too kind.  
John: (pushes Twilight aside) hey there, harry! name's john egbert! i'm kind of a moderate fan of yours, but my friend rose loves your books and movies!  
Twilight: (hushed) Daniel Radcliffe could _never_ do him justice!  
John: so...i know this probably happens a lot, but...can i get your autograph for rose?  
Harry: Of course! (signs the book John hands him while Twilight teleports herself so that she's hanging onto his shoulders)  
Italy: My friend England told me about you! He says you make him a lot of money!  
Harry: Oh, uh...thanks, I guess...  
John: uh, twi? shouldn't we get to the riff?  
Twilight: (dreamily) Oh Harry...your hair is as messy and wonderful as the books described it...  
John: twilight!  
Twilight: Wha? Oh, right! On with the show!

Another sleepless night for the world's most popular child wizard.

Harry: Really? Another one? Must be my fifth year in this story...  
John: wow! you're a natural!  
Harry: I'm well known for my sarcasm.  
Twilight: Me too! (dreamily) We have so much in common...

It's as if he were being haunted, he thought to himself. Haunted by innumerable faceless entities that thrive on his suffering that plague him and force him away from any slumber whatsoever.

Twilight: And this is strange in the wizarding world because...?

It was driving the young English sorceror to his wits end, and he could not concentrate during class, a behaviour swiftly noticed by one of his primary instructors, Dumbledore.

Twilight: It's spelled "sorcerer".  
Harry: Also, Dumbledore was not one of my instructors, he was the headmaster.  
Twilight: Before Snape killed him, of course. I loved book six!

"Mister Potter," his teacher quipped, inquisitively. "It has come to my attention that you are having difficulty concentrating in class."

Twilight: That's not how you use the word "quip"! Ugh! Why do so many fanfic writers need spell check!?  
Harry: Don't you mean _spell_ check?  
(only Twilight laughs)  
Twilight: Oh Harry! You're such a crack up!  
Harry: I was never very good with puns.

"Rubbish," yawned Harry, teetering precariously where he stood.

John: you're being very convincing, mr. potter. (rolls eyes)

"Sleep deprivation, perchance?" the instructor persisted.

Harry wearily acquiesced.

Twilight:...wearily... _what?_  
Everyone else: *shrugs*

"Yes, sir," he sighed, "Bad dreams."  
"Odd," remarked Dumbledore. "Such an occurance seldom happens here at Hogwarts."

John: yeah, nobody _ever_ has nightmares at hogwarts!  
Twilight: On a more serious note, Dumbledore is _extremely_ out of character here. Usually he's worried about Harry's nightmares because pretty much all of them mean that someone is about to die horribly, and he always takes them seriously as a result! In book 5, he even tried to weaponize them with Snape's help, which kind of backfired.  
Everyone else:...  
Harry: How is it that you know more about my story than me?  
Twilight: I've read all seven books a total of four hundred and seven times!  
(Italy and John scoot away from Twilight, Harry smiles)

"I recommend you take some time off from your studies, else this tiredness takes its toll on you academically. Is that understood, Mister Potter?"  
"Yes. Thank you, sir."

Twilight: Yes, because nightmares will give you time off from school. Celestia never did that for me at the School for Gifted Unicorns!

Not that time off would do him any good. The nightmares were omnipresent, and would not relent, even in the daytime.

Italy: That...doesn't even make any sense o_o

To clear his mind, Harry decided to take a broomstick flight outside of the Academy Grounds.

Harry: So I'm so tired that I can barely stand but I think it's a good idea to fly around on my broomstick? I know young me was prone to stupid ideas but come on!  
John: is nobody noticing that the world's most famous wizard is leaving school grounds unprotected?

He rocketed over the eastern border and across the murky oceans, but, to utmost horror, his weariness affected his performance of flight, and the broomstick began to shudder violently as his control of it was hindered. He began to plummet. Incidentally, he was too tired to demonstrate fear and let the dull roar of the wind loll him into blissful submission, something he had gone without for almost seventy-two hours. Within no time at all, he was consumed by the icy chill of the waters, and all went dark.

Twilight: Why was he flying in the first place!?

"Hello?" he heard a distant voice call to him. "Young man? Are you alright?"

John: "hi-diddly-ho, neighborino!"

Harry reluctantly resumed consciousness,

Twilight: How do you _reluctantly_ resume consciousness?  
Italy: You've clearly never tried to wake me up from a siesta.  
John: we probably would if you didn't insist on sleeping naked.

and found himself staring up at the concerned face of a man, presumably in his mid-thirties.

John: with glasses, a moustache and a green sweater.

As Harry was perceptive, he deduced that the man was a muggle, simply from his clothes.

Harry: Yes, because we wizards never wear muggle clothes, we just go around in robes and pointy hats all day. It's not like we'd risk exposing magic to the world or anything!

"Wh-where am I?" he murmured.

"Oh, thank the Lord you're okay!" chuckled the man, retreating slightly to give the young wizard his space. "I was worried you may have frozen out there, on the beach."

Harry: I'm so confused! Did I fall into the ocean or on the beach?

"Who are you?" whispered Harry, becoming more and more awake.

"My name is David," the man replied.

John: dave, if you're reading this, i want to sincerely apologize.

"I, uh - - I didn't want to believe it at first, but I couldn't help but notice you fell out of the sky. Might I ask how you got up there in the first place?"

"I was riding my broomstick," said Harry, matter-of-factly.

Harry: Why on Earth would I _say_ that!?

"Broomstick, eh?" David muttered to himself. "Interesting."

Twilight: Yes, because he doesn't find that strange at all, just _interesting_.

Harry sat upright and noticed he was wearing a casual attire of denim jeans and a cardigan.

"Where's my robe?" he cried.

John: (as David) where do you think? yeah, that's right, i'm one of those kinda priests!

"Drying by the fire," David replied. "I found some peculiar trinkets inside, you know. Really quite fascinating - - albeit evil."

John: here it comes...  
Twilight: Hmmm...

"Evil?" scoffed Harry. "They're essential. A wizard is nothing without his tools, you see."

"A wizard, you say?" mused David. "I had the feeling that may have been the case. You're from that mysterious academy, aren't you?"

Harry: And by "academy" he meant "old abandoned castle that has been condemned".  
John: what?  
(Harry's about to explain, but Twilight cuts him off.  
Twilight: Muggles can't see Hogwarts as a school. It has a spell placed on it to make it look like an abandoned building through their eyes! :D  
Harry:...right.

"How do you know about Hogwarts?" whispered Harry, tilting his head quizzically.

"Oh, I've met a young girl who used to be a student there."

"What was her name?"

"Erm, Kate if I remember correctly. She was a highly decorated student there, top of her class she told me. Until one day she achieved a new level of magic, and that's when things started to go awry."

John: oh no...

"What do you mean?" asked Harry.

"She started having dreams of a frightful nature," David remarked.

"Dreams?" wondered Harry aloud, relating the tale to his own situation.

Italy: Yes, because if I'm having nightmares and Russia is having nightmares, then they must mean there's something crazy going on!!

"That's right," David continued, "Dreams of demons and creatures of the satanic variety.

John: UGH! it's here!  
Italy: I'm a Catholic and I know this is not gonna end well!  
John: hey twilight, do they have religion in equestria?  
Twilight: Not really. Some ponies worship Celestia but nobody really sees her as a deity. What about you?  
John: i never thought about religion, to be honest. guess it doesn't matter, though, since i'm a god now.  
Twilight: What about you, Harry?  
Harry: Wizards vary in religion as much as muggles do, at least from what I've seen. I personally don't consider myself all that religious, though.

All of her teachers told her to pay no attention to them,but she had to find out why she was being haunted. So, she snuck away from the academy one night and wound up here, at my cottage. I showed her The Bible, you see...."

"The Bible?" inquired Harry, dubiously.

"That's right," he replied,

"The Christian Bible. And, according to the Scriptures - - ooh, what was that verse? Ah, yes! Deuteronomy 18:10-12. Let no one be found among you who sacrifices his son or daughter in the fire, who practices divination or sorcery, interprets omens, engages in witchcraft, or casts spells, or who is a medium or spiritist or who consults the who does these things is detestable in the eyes of the Lord. "So, don't you see, young man?" David finished.

Harry: If divination is not allowed in the Bible, then why were there prophets?

"What you are practicing is, day by day, devoting your life to the evil one."

John: (as David/Flanders) that's right neighborino! you must cleanse your soul of your evil homosexuality--i mean atheism--i mean metalheadedness--i mean...what was i preaching against again? there are so many perfectly good people that i'm unfairly prejudiced against that its hard to keep track.

"Impossible!" thundered Harry. "Are you suggesting that I have been deceived, and that it is actually the wizards and witches who are in the wrong?"

"You're sharp," remarked David, admirably.

"I refuse to believe it. Regardless of the nightmares I am suffering, I will not lower myself to the level of a lowly muggle!"

(Everyone stares in shock)  
Twilight: No. No. No no no no no no no no NO!!!!!! Harry would _NEVER_ say something like that! The villains are the ones who talk like that, not him! GET YOUR FACTS STRAIGHT!!!!!!!!!  
John: woah! twilight, calm down!  
Twilight: I won't calm down! They're befouling my favorite book!  
Harry: Twilight, please calm down.  
Twilight: Okay, Harry! :D  
John: thanks.

"So, you're having nightmares, too?"

Harry was silenced.

John: looks like the armor piercing question has been asked.  
Italy: Oh this reminds me of that time I walked in on America doing something really embarrassing!  
*FLASHBACK*  
(America is dancing in the bathroom and singing into a hairbrush)  
America: 'CAUSE HE'S BITTERSWEET, HE KNOCKS ME OFF MY FEET AND I CAN'T HELP MYSELF I DON'T WANT ANYONE ELSE! HE'S A MYSTERY, HE'S TOO MUCH FOR ME, BUT I KEEP COMIN' BACK FOR MORE! HE'S JUST THE GUY I'M LOOKIN' FOR!!!  
Italy: Hey America!  
America: AH! H-how much of that did you hear?  
Italy: Only all of it.  
America: Please don't tell Britain!  


*END FLASHBACK*

Harry remained at David's seaside cottage for a week, for the nightmares did not intrude his sleep when he stayed there, for reasons he could not comprehend. David taught him all about Christ, and the ultimate sacrifice He made for the people of the world. And the more Harry heard of it, the more he understood of his wizardry and its evils.

Twilight: I like how the author refuses to SHOW US how all of this happened.

Finally, he conceded, the Bible made too much sense to ignore.

Everyone: BUT WHY!?

"David?" he asked one afternoon.

"Yes, Harry?" replied David, sipping his coffee and reading a newspaper.

"How do I become a Christian?"

Harry: Go back to your aunt and uncle's house, of course.  
Twilight: Wait...Mr. and Mrs. Dursley are Christians!?  
John: i...i think you found something that twilight didn't know about your books...  
Twilight: (frantically looks through a copy of _Harry Potter and the Philosepher's Stone_ ) Where in Equestria did they say that!?

"I was praying that you'd ask me that before you left," smiled David, proudly. "Come, let me show you."

John: because praying apparently solves everything!

David advised Harry to pray a simple prayer, and that night, the confused and reluctant wizard knelt beside his bed and repeated the words softly.

John: see!

"Lord," he began, "I come to you tonight to request your forgiveness, for I have so blindly devoted my life to the evils of the spirit world. I have given my very essence to the enemy of man, and taken joy in it as well. I am a sinner, Lord, and without your forgiveness, I am doomed to die and face the eternal trials of the netherworld, all because of my practicing of foul and wicked arts. Please, Lord. Please forgive me of my sins and welcome me into your loving kingdom. In your name I pray...Amen."

Harry opened his eyes and noticed that tears were streaming from them.

For the first time in his life, he felt loved, and accepted, and....pure.

Harry: Apparently, this version of me never met the Weasleys.

He had been relieved of the wickedness that plagued him since the day he was born and he wept, both out of joy, and sorrow for all of his friends that remained blind to the real truth, indulging in the ultimate evil back at Hogwarts, convinced that their dark arts made them superior beings.

Twilight: So you're evil because you make things levitate and morph things into animals? Makes sense to me!

He wept all night long because of this.

Harry: Did Rita Skeeter write this?  
Twilight: I GET IT!

"David?" he asked the following morning, as he stood at the front door holding a backpack.

"Yes, Harry?" replied David.

"Will I ever be fully rid of the evils of my past?"

Everyone: WHAT EVILS!?

"The demons that you once embezzled will still try and recapture you, Harry," David admitted. "But if God is for you, then who can be against you?

Harry: Lord Voldemort, his followers, Dolores Umbridge, Cornelius Fudge, the Dementors, most of the Malfoy family, I could go on...  
Twilight: I WILL!  
John: (stuffs some pasta in her mouth) No you won't.

Go, and spread the word. You have always been in a position of power, Harry Potter. Now it's time you used it for good."

Musing over the profound and genuine words of his life-altering friend, Harry turned and began to trek away, not knowing where he would go or what he would do.

But with the Lord Jesus Christ by his side, he knew that things were going to be okay.

Harry: And then Voldemort took over the world and killed everyone.

-End-

Twilight: Well that was really bad! But it was alleviated because I got to meet Harry Potter! <3  
Harry: Aww, that's really sweet!  
John: blarg!  
(Twilight shoots a glare at him)  
John: anyway, the story was WAY too preachy for my tastes!  
Italy: It gets worse! The author actually commented on his own story!  
Twilight: What?  
Italy: It's right here! He called it a "masterpiece worthy of Christ's blessing"!  
Twilight: Oh sweet suffering Celestia, you can't be serious!  
Italy: No it's true! Look!  
(everyone looks)  
Harry: Oh man, just when you thought the story couldn't get worse!  
(the author walks in)  
CJ Croen: Hey guys, how'd you like the guest riffer?  
Twilight: (dreamily) He's amazing...  
John: he picked up on riffing pretty quickly, and he's a lot of fun to talk to!  
Italy: Yeah!  
CJ: Well that's great. Because Harry and I talked just before the riff started, and I offered him the chance to be a permanent cast member! And you know what he said?  
Twilight:...Oh my gosh... don't tell me...  
Harry: I said "yes"!  
(John and Italy cover their ears)  
Twilight: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS THE SINGLE GREATEST DAY IN THE HISTORY OF FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
CJ: I told you she'd take the news well...  
Harry: (cupping a hand over his ear) WHAT?

\-----------------------------------------  
(Elsewhere...)

???: My lady, the last member has been discovered. Shall we take action?  
???: Not yet, my friend. Let's have some fun with them for a little while...let's watch them be broken by those bad fanfictions...  
???: Yes my lady.

To be continued...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I would like to tell everyone that I'll be taking requests for badfics from now on! You can suggest bad fanfics as long as they aren't TOO NSFW (if there are sex scenes, make sure they're skippable) or too short. Multi chaptered fanfics are allowed, but I cannot promise you guys that I'll riff those ASAP. Fanfics are expected to be from the Hetalia, Homestuck, My Little Pony and Harry Potter fandoms, though fanfics from other fandoms are acceptable. I'll inform you if I'm unfamiliar with a certain fandom (which, I'll point out, does not necessarily mean I can't riff it).
> 
> That's all I have to say for now, so...bye!
> 
> PS. Sorry it took so long to update ^_^;


	11. Episode 4: Romano x Depressed!Reader

My Little HetaStuck MSTs  
Episode 4  
Romano x Depressed!Reader

Twilight: Hello everypony! This is Twilight Sparkle, the newly coronated Princess of Friendship, and welcome to another episode of My Little HetaStuck MSTs! Joining me, as always, are Feliciano "Italy" Vargas.  
Italy: Hello!  
Twilight: John Egbert.  
John: hey!  
Twilight: And...*fanmare giggle* Harry Potter!  
Harry: Hi!  
Twilight: Okay, today we shall be reading something that's very common in the fanfiction community, and that's "reader inserts". For some reason, they're particularly common in the Hetalia fandom, Italy's fandom. What's this one called, Italy?  
Italy: It just says "Romano x Depressed!Reader" by The-Tart-Queen. It's about my brother. I invited him over to riff with us!  
Twilight: I've met your brother before, Italy. How did you convince him to visit?  
Italy: Well...  
*Romano rushes in with flowers in his hand*  
Romano: *excited* ITALY! IS PRUSSIA HERE? DID HE REALLY SAY THAT HE'S DESPERATELY IN LOVE WITH ME!?  
Italy: He needed some persuading.  
Romano:...Prussia's not here, is he?  
Italy: Nope.  
Romano:...*chucks flowers* I hate you. *walks away*  
Italy: Wait! Fratello, please stay! We want you to riff with us!  
Romano: Why?  
Harry: Because this involves you, apparently.  
Romano: Forget it! I'm sick of those fanfic writers and their defamation of Spain's character!  
Italy: Oh come on, fratello! PLEASE?  
Romano: NO, Italy!  
Italy: *suddenly dressed like a girl* Pretty please?  
Romano: WHAT THE--!?  
Twilight: If you don't do it, I'll turn you into an orange.  
Romano: OKAY, FINE! This better be good...  
John: it won't be.

Life. Sucks.

Twilight: Great opening.

You felt numb all over. You wanted to curl up and die right here and now. You were currently in the Girls bathroom of the mall crying into the sink as Elizabetha and Mei, your best friends since birth, were keeping guard so no one could come in.

John: gog, the fanfic just started and i already hate the protagonist.  
Italy: Why are Hungary and Taiwan there? Does the reader have any non-fictional friends?  
Harry: Probably not.

What was the reason you were here? 

Romano: Spoiler alert: WE DON'T CARE.

Easy, everything in your live was crumbling.

Twilight: GRAMMAR!

Nothing was happy anymore. No one noticed you anymore. Your parents split up two weeks ago, you were failing all your classes and had 3 hours of detention on you every day, and to top it all off, the guy you had been crushing on since forever, Lovino, and yes you liked him! No matter what others said about him! 

Twilight: So...typical teenage girl stuff? Hardly anything to be depressed over. Except, y'know, the grades thing. I'd be really depressed if my grades were that low! But then again who wouldn't be?  
Everyone else: *raises hands*  
Twilight: Stupid question -_-;

had been "secretly" dating Antonio, and by the way, you were the only one Antonio hated. 

Romano: And here comes the defamation! Spain doesn't HATE anything! If they make Toni a rapist I swear I'm gonna--  
Italy: HUGGING TIME!

And you know how you found out?

Twilight: I'm afraid to ask...

"Have you heard?" Elizabetha asked while she, Mei, and you were at the mall

"Heard what?" Mei asked, tilting her head.

"Antonio and Lovino are dating!" Elizabetha giggled.

"Oh that, that's old news, they've been dating for a month now," Mei waved her hand at Elizabetha.

"They what?!" You look up from your phone and drop everything you were holding.

John: that's not melodramatic. also, how did she not know this already?

"You didn't know?" Mei looked at you, surprised, "I would have thought you would be the first one Lovino would tell."

You tried to hide the hurt, but immediately, Elizabetha took your hand and lead you to the bathroom as Mei picked up your things.

And thus, you were here. Turning the sink black with your running mascara.

John: soooo...that's your bombshell? that's the thing that destroys your happiness? that your crush who doesn't even know you like him is dating someone else? wow. just...wow! i mean, your _ex_ dating someone else, maybe, but your crush who probably doesn't even know you!? really? Wow.

Soon you recovered and fixed your make-up, gathering yourself you walked out of the bathroom.

"I'm going home..." you whispered.

"I think I will, too." Elizabetha muttered.

"Me too. I've bought enough stuff." Mei gave you your bought items and your phone back, still open to the message you were typing earlier.

Romano: Of course, your priorities are NOT that your friend is hurt, but that you bought enough stuff! Totally makes sense!  
John: your brother's a natural, italy!

You forgot, you were talking to Lovino. You closed your phone and noticed you had three new messages, all from Lovi.

Twilight: You forgot? Wow. Afterthought, much?

You closed your phone and noticed you had three new messages, all from Lovi.

"Hello?"

"Chica?"

"Are you OK?"

Romano: When have I ever called a woman "chica"?  
Italy: Well...

You angrily opened your phone again and replied,

"If you cared about whether or not I'm 'ok,' you would think about me when you tell everyone else something and not me. Why am I not good enough to know these things? Don't talk to me again."

Twilight: This is kind of accurate to depression, I guess. But I still don't get why the author feels the need to make the story about depression, especially in a reader insert. I mean, maybe if it were an OC/Canon story, but a reader insert? At its core, a reader insert is what is known as "wish-fulfillment" and let's be honest, nobody _wants_ to be depressed.

You simply got a text from Antonio,

"Don't talk to my Lovi like that."

Romano: STOP IT! THAT'S NOT WHAT SPAIN TALKS LIKE! SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP!  
John: you really remind me of karkat XD

"You said you would be home two hours ago!" your mom yelled from the kitchen when she heard the door open.

Twilight: Sooo...you want readers to pretend they have abusive parents? What is wrong with fanfictions like this!?

"Mom, leave me alone!" you scream and run to your room, locking the door and throwing yourself on your bed, hugging the tomato pillow Lovino had given you for your birthday.

Romano: I gave her a tomato pillow? If I am so nice to this girl, then why am I not dating her instead?  
Italy: Because you're dating Toni ^_^  
Romano: But I'm not dating Spain!  
Italy: Not in real life, but in this fanfiction you are!  
Romano: Fanfics are stupid! And so are the people who write them!  
CJ Croen:...Fine, be that way! *storms out*  
Italy: Fratello! You made our boss leave!  
Romano: I don't care!  
Twilight: Stop squabbling you two! We still have a story to riff!

"______, open the door!" your mom calls from the other side of the door.

"Go away! Leave me alone!" you scream, throwing a stuffed white bear holding a red heart saying "Mommy's Little Girl" on it at the door.

Twilight: *facehoof* Ugh...

There was a pause from the other side of the door.

"Dinner will be on the counter when you come out," your mother calls as she walks away.

Harry: Well that's nice of her! Or at least, she sounds marginally better than my aunt and uncle.

'I'm never eating again.' you think to yourself

John: drama queen!  
Twilight: She sounds like Rarity.

you stood up and walked over to your dresser. You took off your jacket and opened the top drawer and dug to the bottom and pulled out a knife you've been hiding there for a while now.

Twilight: OH NO! This better not be going in the direction I think it's going...

You looked at your arm, it looked pretty bad already.

Twilight: NO! NO! I WILL NOT ACCEPT THIS! DO NOT USE THIS FANFIC TO TURN SELF HARM, A SERIOUS ISSUE, INTO A TRIVIAL MATTER!

You sat down and set the knife on your skin, only to be interrupted by a phone call. It was Lovino. You sighed and put the knife down.

Twilight: UGH! STOP IT!

"Hello?" You whispered into the phone.

"_______?" Lovino asked from the other line. He never called you by your real name, he would usually call you (nickname you hate) You sighed and moved your (h/l) (h/c) hair out of your face.

John: how many people really have nicknames that they don't like?  
Twilight: A lot, actually.

"Yeah?" you muttered.

"Why were you so mad at me earlier? What did I do?"

"You know very well what you did! Why don't you ever tell me when you do something?! You've been dating Antonio for a MONTH?! Why didn't you tell me?! It would have been easier on me then Letting me figure out by Elizabetha and Mei!"

John: translation: you're not straight, i want to make out with you, and you betrayed me by dating a guy. whiny selfish teenager at work here. also subtle homophobia.

"__-_____!" Lovino shouted your name.

"No, all you're going to do is apologize and make an excuse! I'm done with that! I'm done with everything! When I said don't talk to me, I meant DON'T TALK TO ME!" You hang up the phone and pick up the knife, dragging it across your skin.

Twilight: *sobs profusely*

~LE (not so) AWESOME TIME SKIP BROUGHT TO YOU BY (Spain) PRUSSIA~

John: well...that seems really inappropriate.  
Twilight: Didn't you mention someone named Prussia, Romano?  
Romano: I said nothing of the sort.  
Twilight: Then why are you blushing?  
Romano: SHUT UP!

"______! What were you thinking?!" Elizabetha screams at you as you two left the store you were in. Her dragging you by the wrist to her own house.

Twilight: That sentence was really sloppy.

"I-I..." You started, stuttering as you thought about how in the world Elizabetha figured out about your... for lack of a better word... _problem_. "I don't know..."

Twilight: Stop it. Stop using self-harm, a _serious problem_ as an excuse to stir up more drama.

"If you don't know, who does?!" Yep. She was officially freaking out. And this is why you **didn't** want her to know. You stopped walking as you saw Lovino walking by on the other side of the road, head downcast and... alone? Antonio was always with him.

Romano: So he never gives me space? That sounds kind of like him, but still...

"Elizabetha, let me go," you demanded softly, keeping your eyes locked on Lovi. Elizabetha traced your gaze and tilted her head.

"Didn't you hear?" she muttered sympathetically, "He and Antonio broke up two weeks ago. He didn't want to talk to you because he didn't want to hurt you any more, his words exactly," she released your arms.

Romano: Okay, REALLY!? This story's pointless! It should have started with me hooking up with her and THEN giving the conflict! AUGH!

Your legs took a mind of their own. Before you knew it you had jump-glomped Lovino.  
To the ground.  
You didn't notice.

Twilight: LOOK HOW DEPRESSED SHE IS! THIS IS SO REALISTIC! My soul hurts...

He looked surprised at first, then when he realized who it was, and that you two were in a *ahem* quite awkward position, he blushed deep red and pushed you off, yelling, "Get off me, cagn-" stopping mid-insult to stare at your arm, which the sleeve had been pushed up, reveling the many scars on your arm.

John: drama-bomb!

"S-Sorry," you stutter, quickly hiding the scars.

Before you knew it, Lovino had grabbed your arm and pushed your sleeve up. "W-What the hell?!" He yelled at you, "What is this!"

"I-It's nothing!" You say shakily.

"Nothing my ass! Did you do this to yourself?!"

Romano: Oh, so NOW I'm depicted realistically!? UGH!

You started to cry. You have no idea where the tears came from, but you started to bawl.

John: they came from your eyes.  
Twilight: Technically, they came from your tear ducts.

"(nickname you hate)..."

"Don't call me that!" You scream between sobs, "You want to know why I did?! My parents hate me! My teachers hate me!" You try to yank your arm away, "YOU hate me!"

Twilight: THE WORLD IS SO AGAINST ME! I'M SO DEPRESSED! This is _not_ how depression works. Depression is a _mental illness_. It afflicts you regardless of what situation you're in. In fact, it is oftentimes genetic. While outward problems can sometimes cause it, they more commonly exacerbate it.  
Rainbow Dash: *flies past* THE MORE YOU KNOW.

Lovino's gaze suddenly went blank and he let go of your arm, which sent you flying onto your back. He picked you up and brought you to his house, as much as you fought, he brought you to his room.

Romano: OH GOD, THIS ISN'T GOING WHERE I THINK IT'S GOING, IS IT!?  
Twilight: Also, thanks for _showing_ us this, author!

"Now we can talk in private." He set you down on the bed and took off his jacket. Then suddenly you felt something warm and soft press against your lips.

He was kissing you. Lovino Vargas, was kissing you. You quickly pushed him away. "W-what the hell?!" you scream. "One minute you tell me nothing and the next, you're kissing me?!"

Romano: I can't do anything in this fanfic, can I?  
Twilight: Probably the only thing the author's getting right is the fact that this is a rather common problem for people with depression.

"_________, listen" Lovino was completely serious. "I didn't tell you because I knew you were stressed enough. I didn't want you to hurt yourself," He rubbed your arm. "Too late for that though..."

"Y-you don't hate me..?"

Romano: Yes I do. Because you're whiny and spoiled.

"Of course not! Why the hell do you think I do?"

"I-I... You were dating Antonio... And he and I don't get along at all... So I thought you were trying to tell me to get out of your life or something..."

"No!" Lovino's eyes softened and he sighed, "I'm sorry I made you think that..." He stopped and looked at the floor, his face was as red as a tomato, "Actually... Ti amo..."

Romano: Ah yes, this cliche in Hetalia fanfics. Apparently, we nation-tans just randomly lapse into our native languages when we're around our significant others. It's cute, I know, but it gets excessive.  
Twilight: It's also something that you'd expect more if you've been dating someone for a long time. Not if you've _just_ started dating.

"Wha..?" you looked at him in surprise. Tears instantly sprang into your eyes and you hugged him tightly around the neck. "You don't know how long I've been waiting to hear that!" You cried happily.

Then, something happened that you never thought you would ever see.

Lovino smiled.

Romano: YES, BECAUSE I NEVER SMILE, APPARENTLY!  
Italy: But you don't.  
Romano: SHUT UP!  
Twilight: Well, the story has ended. What were your impressions? I for one thought it wasn't very good. It misrepresented depression quite a lot and was really overly dramatic.  
Romano: I hated it.  
Italy: Me too.  
John: me three.  
Harry: My question is, why do so many reader and self inserts give their subjects such awful lives? I mean, I know it gets better when they meet the character, but as Twilight said the whole thing is wish-fulfillment. I don't think anyone would WANT to be depressed or abused just so that someone will come to their rescue.  
Twilight: Exactly! That is what's fundamentally wrong with those kinds of fics. Well, I hope you enjoyed this riff! We'll be back soon! Give us some requests in the meantime!  
Romano: Can I go, now?  
Italy: Yes! You were a very good riffer, fratello! We should do it again sometime!  
Romano: No thanks...

\----

*Elsewhere, four figures are seated around a crystal ball which shows our riffer heroes on it. The four figures are dressed in colored cloaks; one pink, one green, one red and one white. Their hoods obscure their faces, but one of them is obviously a pony.*

Green Cloak: They don't _seem_ to be losing their minds. Are you sure it's working?  
Red Cloak: Yeah, they seem to be pretty well off.  
Pink Cloak: Calm yourselves...someday, they will be broken. And when that happens, we will be ready! Muahahahaha! Laugh with me, laugh with me!  
All: MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!  
*beat*  
Pink Cloak: So now what?  
*awkward silence*  
White Cloak: Wanna build a snowman?  
Pink Cloak: Okay.  
Green Cloak: Sounds nice.  
Red Cloak: I'm game.  
*all leave*

To be continued...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't hate Spamano, I actually like it somewhat. I just like Prumano more. Please don't start any shipping wars in the comments.
> 
> I'm still taking requests, even though I haven't had any yet. Remember, the only rule is NO PORN!
> 
> Hope you enjoyed! ^_^
> 
> Oh, and we also have a trope page now! I started it, and I do edit it, but I'd like others to edit it sometime too! http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/FanFic/MyLittleHetaStuckMSTs
> 
> EDIT: Changed Twi's explanation of Depression, to get rid of misinformation.


	12. Episode 5: Sonic Fights Robotnik

My Little HetaStuck MSTs  
Episode 5  
Sonic Fights Robotnik

*The Badfic Theater. Everyone is sitting in their seats*

Twilight Sparkle: Hello everypony! It's me, Twilight Sparkle, the Princess of Friendship! Welcome to My Little HetaStuck, a show we only pretend to enjoy doing because we get paid for it! Joining me, as always are John Egbert...  
John Egbert: hey!  
Twilight: Italy...  
Italy: Hello!  
Twilight: And Harry Potter!  
Harry: Good day to you!

Twilight: Today, we will be riffing on a bad Sonic the Hedgehog fanfiction. And so, our guest is going to be Sonic the Hedgehog himself!  
*Sonic zooms in*  
Sonic: Gotta go fast! *stops and jumps into a seat next to Twilight* What's up?  
Twilight: Not much!  
Sonic: Hey Harry! *high fives Harry* Been a while!  
Italy: You two know each other?  
Harry: Our fandoms were both big hits with whiny entitled teenagers.  
Sonic: So how're the wife and kids?  
Harry: They're good.  
*Rainbow Dash flies in*  
Rainbow Dash: Hey Twilight, can I borrow your--*sees Sonic* I-is that...who I think it is?  
Sonic: 'Sup.  
RD: Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh! It's Sonic the Hedgehog! Aww man! Sonic you are a legend! The fastest thing alive! The Blue Blur! The guy who beats up Dr. Eggman on a daily basis!  
Sonic: *leans back and smirks* You're too kind.  
RD: Can I have your autograph? *holds out autograph book* Right there, between Daring Do and Spitfire?  
Italy: That's what he said!  
*Sonic signs Rainbow Dash's autograph book*  
Twilight: Hey Rainbow Dash, since you're such a big fan of Sonic's work, why don't you sit and riff with us?  
RD: Sounds good to me! *sits next to Sonic* So what's today's bad fanfiction?  
Twilight: It's called "Sonic Fights Robotnik" by SonicFan2010.  
Sonic: Ha! Robotnik? Ol' Egghead hasn't used that name for fifteen years!  
Twilight: Well then, let's dive right in, shall we? We start with an Author's Note (TM).

ATTENTION: This is a good story so no bad coments  
please!

Twilight: We'll see about that...

Author's notes..  
Lord of PEZ is awsome!

John: who?  
Italy: Canada?

Vote NO on Ken Penders!

Sonic: Well, he was really self absorbed so I can see why we don't like him...  
RD: But he also gave us Prince Elias, Julie Su and Archimedes so you've got your good points too.

End of Author's notes. Now onto the stroy!

Twilight: Ugh! I can only assume that the grammar is gonna get worse from here!

Sonics best adventure yet!

Sonic: I doubt that.

It was a brite midday morning in KnotHole Forrest. The  
animals were  
doing things like they usually do. Rotor was cleaning up  
the sprokets  
Bunny was repainting the huts and Tails wasx fighting  
stuffed bots with  
kung-fu.

Sonic: When did Tails learn Kung Fu?  
Twilight: Is this really how things work in Knothole Village?  
Sonic: You know, I can't really remember...I haven't been there for a long time.

Sonic was in his hut drinking a Mountian Due and  
watching TV. Furry Beavis  
and Butthead was on. "It's like beavis and butthead but  
beavis is a rat and  
butthead is a dog" Sonic says to the reader.

John: oh, so it's just "beavis and butthead".

Antoinee was in his house jamming to Greenday. Just out  
of nowhere rotor jumps  
into the room!

Sonic: Oh God, Antoine. I hated that guy! He was so obnoxious!  
RD: Why is he listening to Green Day? And where did Rotor come from?  
Twilight: This fanfic looks like one of those stories where things just happen.

Sonic looked around his hut. "Sonic!@" saidrotor. "Look  
out a SWAT-missel is  
going to hit you!"

John: well, that escalated quickly.

Sonic said "WHA?" and loooked out the window. A swat  
missel was going to hit  
him! He jumped out of the hut and ran around the missel.  
Soon it smashed  
into a tree and blew into a million peices.

Sonic: Wow, that was too easy. Is it a trap? Maybe? Hopefully? Please?

"Woah close one dude but I made it ok" he said (sonic)  
ROtor said "Bye" and left.

Sonic: No? Darn.

Meanwhile in Robotroptolis

Grr  
said Robotnik.  
"I hate it when missel misses!" he said, also  
"THis is your fault!" he said to Snively.

Sonic: Wait...what? Eggman didn't know where Knothole Village was back when I was a Freedom Fighter! That was a big plot point on the show! How did he know where to shoot the missile?  
Twilight: Why did he blame this "Snively" fellow?  
Sonic: Oh, he blamed Snively for just about everything! Haha!

"no no sir!" he replied!  
"Packbell"  
"Yes sir?"  
"Kill sonic because snively is too dumb to be able too!"  
"Yes sir"  
"What a fat" said snively, under his voice.

RD: Who's Packbell? I've watched every episode of that show and they never mentioned anyone named "Packbell"!  
Sonic: Meh. He's probably an OC.  
John: at least he's not a fantroll.  
Twilight: "What a fat"? What kind of insult is that?

3 or four days later back at knothole  
Sonic is chatting with Sally on IRC

Sonic: Ah Princess Sally. That takes me back.  
RD: Have you talked to her at all recently?  
Sonic: Nah. I haven't seen her since Pendersgate.

(Sonic) I luv u sal ;)  
(Sally) Awww ;)  
(Sonic) lets have sex :)

Sonic: O_O  
RD: O_O  
John: O_O  
Twilight: O_O  
Harry: O_O  
Italy: (=ヮ=)೨

(Sally) no ;p  
(Sanoic) you are buetiful  
(Sally) ok we ave cybersex

Twilight: Please don't.  
Sonic: When did this Sanoic guy come in? Does Princess Sal know she's cybering with a different guy?

JUST THEN ROTOR BREAKS DOWN THE DOOR IN EMERGENCY!

Italy: Well that must've ruined the mood.

(AN: This next part is italicized because this point turns the fic into a script. I want to differentiate between this and the actual MST)

_Rotor: Sonic look out we are under attack by 1000000  
SWAT BOTS!_

Sonic: Wait, HOW many Swatbots!?

_Sonic: Ok i got it covered_  
Sonic runs to the bots "Yo dudes whats up?"  
Swat bots: DRRRROOOONE, WE KILL HEDGEHOG #1 PRIRORITY  
Sonic said "You drone alot bots"  
Just then Sonic spinned around and around killing half  
the bots. 

Twilight: No. It is NOT "spinned", it's "spun"! Ugh! I'm sick of the grammar mistakes! If I see _one_ more grammar mistake, I'm gonna go insane!  
*Elsewhere, the cloaked villains are seated around a crystal ball with the riffers image inside it. Pink cloaked villain starts cheering with delight*  
Pink Cloak: Yes, good! Let the madness overtake you! Do it! Do it now! Go insane! Lose your mind! Do it! Do it! DO IT!  
*Back at the Badfic Theater*  
Twilight: Why do I feel like I'm being talked about by a big ugly witch?

The other half tried to shoot him but sonic pulled out a  
power ring and  
turned into super sonic easily killing the rest with no  
effort.  
"well" said sonic "looks like 0 to me hmmmm your  
counting is bad Rote"

Sonic: Well at least they have my sass down!  
RD: True that!  
*Sonic and RD fist/hoof bump*

Sonic goes back to watching TV  
Robotik appears on the TV!

Sonic: Wha!? Why does Eggman show up on screen?

"Hello my name is Dr. Robotnik I have taken over the TV  
station no one can  
stop me ha ha ha ha."

Twilight: Is your arch enemy always this much of a ham?  
Sonic: You don't know the half of it.

"No way Fatnick! Let's get ready to rock!" said sonic  
Sonic was talking to Sally "We gotta stop Robotnuk!"

Sonic: My nickname for Eggman was "Ro **butt** nik", not "Fatnick".  
RD: It rolls off the tongue better too!

Tails says "Can I go too Sally?"  
Sally said "No you are too little robotnik and his bots  
would kill you or  
robotosize you"  
\-----WARNING if you are offended you should not read  
this neck part----------  
"FOCK YOU SALLY!!!!!!!!!!!" SCREMED tails  
\--------Ok kids you can look now :)----------

Twilight: How old does the author think his readers are?  
John: i'm sixteen and _i've_ said dirtier language than that!  
Italy: He didn't even spell it right!

Sally kicked Tails "BAd Tails don't say  
that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
Tails said "I am mad now I hate you!"

Twilight: I've never seen the show, but I have met Tails before...I don't recall him being so rude.

Sonic said "oh no but we have to stop Robotnick's TV  
plan! Let's go!!!!!!"

Sonic: I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm not seeing any "evil" in this plan. Is that wrong?  
Twilight: Nope.  
Harry: I've faced worse villains. Try facing someone like Bellatrix Lestrange sometime.

Sonic was at the Tv station fighting bots that were  
jumping off the antenna.  
Tank-bot attacked towards sonic. Sonic jumped flipped  
and spun in the air but  
tank bot was too fast. Just then sonic ran up the wall  
and tank bot hit the  
wall. SOnic laughted at the funniness of this. 

Twilight: Why even bother with saying "Show Don't Tell" anymore?

Then he  
went into the tv station  
Robotnick was there doing the robotnik show  
"Dooo doo doo this is tnhe robotnick show we will be  
pack arfter the messages  
doo doo doo BUY KEN PENDERS now back to the show doo do  
doo its the robotnick  
show our guest today is  
"SONIC????????????????????????????????????????"  
"Yes" said Sonic  
Sonic fought snively first. Armed with a laser gun  
snively shot at sonic but  
sonic beat him good. Next was packbell. He shot rockets  
at sonic but sonic  
jumped out of the way and kicked him down anyways. THen  
Robotnick hit the  
button.

RD: Once again, who the hay is Packbell?

The lasers were aimed at the blue blur. They  
would kill him and his  
friends! What will happen next!  
Stay tuned for PART 2!  
Just kidding but sirousley tit's time fro a commerical  
brake.  
Wheel be right back (I hope)

Twilight: A commercial. A flapping commercial? They're inserting a _commercial_ into this already crappy fanfic!?  
RD: Woah, Twi, calm down!  
Twilight: Don't tell me to be calm, Rainbow Dash! I've been sitting through these awful fanfics for several months now! The only reason I've been keeping sane is because I'm getting paid for it! And I'm honestly not sure how worth it it is anymore! I'm slowly reaching the end of my rope and I can't stand it anymore!  
Italy: *stuffs some pasta in Twilight's mouth* Better?  
Twilight: *chews and then swallows the pasta* A little bit. Not much, but a little.

COmmercial  
Ken: Hello this is ken penders i hate sonic because i  
draw his comics. I really  
suck why dont i just kill sally BANG she died now i'll  
do a crossover of sonic  
and mR rogers ha ha ha ha ha i am evil.

Sonic: Okay, dude, what did Ken Penders ever do to you? I mean, he definitely had unrealistic expectations, but he wasn't pure evil! I _worked_ with the guy! He helped the comic pretty well!

No back to the show,

RD: I wish...

Sonic escaped a stickey situaton but there was more in  
store for our hero.  
RObotnick produced a bomb from his sleave. "Ha ha ha"  
said he.

Twilight: *eye twitch*

Sonic kicked robotnick knocking him out the window. The  
lardish doctor fell  
5000 story's to his death. But as Tails later noted he  
was not really dead.

Everyone: WHAT!?

Sonic ran out of the building just in time. The bombs  
fuse ended and....  
SNAP CRACKLE POP! THE BOMB EXPLODES!!!!  
There goes our tv shows  
said sonc

Everyone: _WHAT!?_

Sonic and friends had to blow up the robotik crystal  
mine.

John: crystal mine?  
Sonic: They probably mean Chaos Emeralds.

"Y'all." said Bunny  
"these is soem weird crystals some of em are blue and  
some of em are red  
and some of em are green and some of em are purple and  
some of em are yellow.  
Some are squaree, otrhers are triangle.  
Heck all y'all some of em arent even crystals at all!"

Italy: If "soem" of them aren't crystals, then what are they?

Just then they all gasped in horror. The biggest bot in  
the world suddenly  
appeared with its guns aimed at the freedom fighters.

John: wait, the biggest bot in the world? that might be a bit of an exaggeration, don't you think?

"Nooooo!"  
Antoinee quipped "Ze bot es BEEEEG!"  
SOnic and Sally attacked the bot. The bot blew up taking  
the mine with it.

Italy: Oh, I sense a disturbance in the force...thousands of French people, crying out because they've just been horribly offended...then shutting up because they realized that they don't give a crap how a bad fanfiction depicts them.

Robotnik was watching this on camera.  
"That hedgehog is a walking contradiction" he said.  
Snively said nothing, neither did packbell andthen  
They all sing "Walking Contradiction" by Greenday

Sonic: So I'm getting this sense that the author's a Green Day fanboy...but it's just so subtly written that I can't tell...

[[[[[[[[[[5 years later]]]]]]]]]]]]]]

John: five years? but why?

It was the last battle with robotnick. All of mobiuses  
freedom fighters had  
gathered at Kothole to discuss the plan.  
"Here is the plan" said Princess Sally "We sneek into  
Robotropolis and sonic  
you fight the bots while we blow up the death egg"

Sonic: That kinda sounds like me.

Sonic walked thrugh the woods with sally.  
"Umm sall what about that cybersex"  
[[[[[disco music]]]]]]  
bow-bow-chicka-bow-wowp-chika-chika-bow-bow  
Tails: Funky! (dances) disco fever! (sees sonic and  
sally) OoOopS!!! sorry

Everyone: **WHAT!?!?**

The troupe arrived at robotopobis. They stormed the  
death egg.

RD: Oh boy! Maybe there will be some action!

It was and exciting battle but the freedom fighters won  
in the end.

RD: Why did I not see that coming...

Back at Knothole celebration was in order. They  
discussed how to fix the  
TV station and antoinne danced and Chis Petrucii sang  
the song of the Death  
Egg battle

Harry: Who is Chis Petrucii?  
Twilight: I don't care at this point.

Sonic was on a mission dark  
to defeat the evil doctor  
but he beat him  
like he did  
and no one was asunder  
thunderrr...  
SONIC! SUPER SONIC!  
he is the hero of our day  
SONIC! SUPER SONIC!  
let's all say hooray  
lats all say hooray

Everyone: ???

Bookshire wept at the heartstrung plucking of the  
guitar.

RD: Who?

Tails made up with sally and gave her a hug. Everything  
was A-OK.

RD: It took Tails five years to make up with Sally? Talk about holding a grudge!

Just then 50 million missels, a million swat bots and  
the entre robo brigade  
were attacking Knothole. 

Sonic: Wait, what!?

RObotnick showed up, holding  
the off button. Only  
he had the power to stop the attack. Sonic put on his  
cybersuit. Robotnik walked  
into rotors invention hut sonic followed behind him. 

Sonic: I don't remember having a cyber suit. That would be super awesome, though!

They were both in the  
hut sonic attacked with fists of fury! POW! BANG!  
SHABOOM! BOOM! KABLAMO!

RD: Maybe now there will be some action!

"I hope you had the time of your liiiiiiiiife" sang  
Greenday.  
THE END

RD: Spoke too soon.  
Sonic: Well, at least it's over, right riffers?  
*no response from the riffers*  
Sonic: Riffers?  
Twilight:...WHAT!? THAT'S HOW THEY'RE GOING TO END THIS STUPIDITY!? THIS IS THE MOST AWFUL THING I HAVE READ IN SO LONG AND IT'S ONLY THE _FIFTH_ EPISODE!!!!  
John: THIS WAS HORRIBLE! I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT IT WOULD POLLUTE THE INTERNET!  
Harry: I agree! But at least the author didn't make more!  
Italy: *looking dead eyed* Uhhh...guys...?  
*everyone looks at SonicFan2010's website*  
Riffers:....  
RD: Twilight...?  
Sonic: Harry, calm yourself...  
Twilight:RAAAAAARGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! *blasts the theater's screen with her magic* EIGHT SEQUELS AND A REMAKE!!!!!!!! EIGHT ****ING SEQUELS AND A REMAKE!!!!!!!! *screams with fury then breaks down in sobs*  
John: RAAAARGHH!!!! I AM SO ****ING MAD!!!!!!!! *starts blowing the curtains with the Windy Thing* FIRST PORN OF MYSELF, THEN PONY MUTILATION, THEN RELIGIOUS PROPEGANDA, THEN TEENAGE WHINING AND NOW THIS!? RAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHH!!!  
Italy: *sits there in silence for a moment, and then...* Heh...hehe...hehehehehe...HEHEHEHEHEHEHE...AH HA HA HA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! AHHH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!  
Harry: *just sits there*  
Sonic: Oh dear...  
RD: I don't like the looks of this...  
Harry: You guys should probably leave.  
*Sonic and Rainbow Dash bolt out of the room as everyone except Harry works through their complete and utter meltdown*

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*The lair of the cloaked villains*

Pink Cloak: *with a devious grin* It is time...

To be continued...


	13. Episode 6: My--Oh, oh no...oh God NO!!! pt. 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which a vital member of the team is kidnapped and a villain makes herself known.

My Little HetaStuck MSTs  
Episode 6

*The theater has been rebuilt and Twilight, John and Harry are sitting in the theater*  
Twilight Sparkle: Hello everypony. We have the theater patched up. We're very sorry about the breakdown last episode. Hopefully, this time nothing will go wrong.  
*Italy rushes in*  
Italy: Twilight! Our author has been kidnapped!  
*beat*  
John: so much for that, then.  
Twilight: Cambot! Give us the author's view! Luckily Mr. Croen managed to put an emergency camera on his person to activate in case something like this happens.  
Harry: When would something like this happen?  
Twilight: He never told me, but I heard him muttering something about "shipping wars" and "social justice".  
*Cambot shows them the author; he's tied to a chair*  
CJ Croen: Help me, guys!  
Twilight: CJ! Who did this to you?  
CJ: Cambot! Show them who did this to me!  
*Cambot does just that; we see pink cloaked villain standing with her back to the camera*  
Pink Cloaked Villain: *with muffled laughter in the background* Hello, riffers. I have your author and I demand...okay why is everyone laughing!?  
White Cloaked Villain: *whispering* The camera is that way, my lady.  
Pink Cloaked Villain: *turns around* Well how was I supposed to know that! You know I'm no good with this muggle technology!  
Harry: Wait a second...I know that voice! Dolores Umbridge, is that you?  
Umbridge: *removes her hood to reveal her hideous, toadike face and smirks evilly* In the flesh! Hello there, dear Mr. Potter!  
Harry: Last I heard you were rotting in Azkaban where you belong!  
Umbridge: You'd be amazed how much easier it was to escape now that old empty headed Shacklebolt decided to get rid of the Dementors!  
Harry: Don't you dare talk about Kingsley like that!  
Twilight: I hear voices. Care to tell us who those are with you?  
*other cloaked villains arrive on screen and remove their hoods; the green cloaked villain is Queen Chrysalis, the red cloaked one is Her Imperial Condescension and the white cloaked one is Russia*  
Everyone: GASP!  
Twilight: Chrysalis! I haven't seen you since you tried to ruin my brother's wedding!  
Chrysalis: And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you and your meddling friends!  
John: so crocker, what are you gonna do now? stuff cake down our throats? 'cause thirteen years of living with my dad has made made me immune to that.  
HIC: Boy, you only _wish_ I was gonna shove cake down your throat! The only thing goin' down your throat is my trident!  
Italy: Hi Russia!  
Russia: Hello Italy :)  
Harry: What do you freaks want, anyway?  
Umbridge: Isn't it obvious? We want revenge!  
Italy: But why, Russia? I didn't do anything to you! And if I did I'm sorry!  
Russia: It's nothing personal, Italy. I simply like having friends who share an interest in world domination :)  
Umbridge: ENOUGH FORMALITIES! Now, with the help of my new cohorts, I have done some research! And I learned about these little...what are they called? "Fanfictions"? That you have been reading! I must say, I adore your author's cruelty and sadism! I could not think of a torture that could be any better!  
CJ: Your approval fills me with shame.  
Umbridge: And so, I'm going to torture you as he did! I have found the worst fanfiction you all could ever read! A fanfiction so vile, so sinister and so mindbendingly torturous, that you will all have no choice but to bow to our superior might!  
Twilight: Oh yeah? Well come on! Do your worst! There is nothing you can send us that we can't deal with!  
Umbridge: I'm sending you "My Immortal", by Tara Gilesbie.  
*beat*  
Twilight: No...no no no no no no no NO!!!  
Harry: No...please...ANYTHING but THAT!  
John: i don't get it, what's my immortal?  
Harry: The worst Harry Potter Fanfiction ever.  
Twilight: I'd sooner read my own bad Harry Potter fanfictions than read that!  
Umbridge: DO IT OR YOUR AUTHOR WILL BE STABBED BY A TRIDENT, OBLITERATED BY CHANGELING MAGIC AND BASHED IN THE HEAD WITH A PIPE WHILE HAVING THE CRUCIATUS CURSE PUT ON HIM!!!!!  
CJ: *while Chrysalis, Russia and HIC are pointing their weapons at him* Well that just sounds like overkill.  
John: we better do what she says, twi.  
Italy: Yeah, they mean business!  
Twilight: *sighs* Fine. Hang in there, CJ!  
CJ: We will! Ptreasure and I have prepared for something like this to happen, right, Ptreasure? *looks at his stuffed pterodactyl, which is taped to the wall above him*  
Twilight: Okay, now you can send us the fanfiction. Just give us time to prepare, okay?  
Umbridge: Excellent!  
Twilight: Cambot, roll the theme song.  


In the not too distant future  
Somewhere in time and space  
Twilight Sparkle and her fandom pals are caught in a nasty place  
They try to survive the wrath of Umbridge  
Just an evil gal who is bent on revenge  
From her castle below she sets her sights above  
Just to torture all her captives and destroy all that they love  
"I WILL HAVE ORDERRRRRRRRRR!!!!"  
"I'll send her cheesy fanfics! The worst I can find!"  
(la la la)  
"And she'll have to sit and read them all as I monitor her mind!"  
(la la la)  
Now keep in mind Twi can't control when the fanfic begins or ends  
(la la la)  
And she'll have to keep her sanity with the help of her fandom friends!  
(ROLL CALL!)  
Twilight Sparkle! ("Greetings!")  
John Egbert! ("Yo!")  
Harry Potter! ("Present!")  
Italyyyyyy! ("PASTA!")  
If you're wondering how she even got here, and other continuity facts  
(la la la)  
Just repeat to yourself "It's just a fanfic I should really just relax".  
On My Little HetaStuck MSTs!  


John: i don't think half of those things happened.  
Twilight: Shut up. It's starting.  


Chapter 1.  
AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) 2 my gf (ew not in that way) raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX!  


Twilight: I already hate this author.  


Hi my name is Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that’s how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don’t know who she is get da hell out of here!).  


Harry: I wish we could.  
Twilight: But we can't risk our author being killed.  
Italy: How does one have eyes like "limpid tears"?  


I’m not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he’s a major fucking hottie.  


John: why is this relevant?  
Twilight: There are a lot of irrelevant statements in this fanfiction.  
John: joy.  


I’m a vampire but my teeth are straight and white.  


Harry: That's like saying "I'm a bird but I have feathers and a beak".  


I have pale white skin.  


John: so do i, but you don't hear me bragging about it.  


I’m also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I’m in the seventh year (I’m seventeen).  


John: again, this doesn't appear relevant.  
Twilight: That'll just keep happening.  


I’m a goth (in case you couldn’t tell) and I wear mostly black.  


Twilight: Oh, we could tell alright.  


I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow.  


Everyone: Nobody cares.  
John: also, doesn't hogwarts have a dress code? why would they let her dress like that?  


I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.  


Twilight: She sounds like such a pleasant person.  
John: how can it be snowing _and_ raining at the same time!?  
Harry: Well, stranger things have happened at Hogwarts.  


“Hey Ebony!” shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Draco Malfoy!  


Harry: Oh great, him.  
Twilight: He's just like Trixie.  


“What’s up Draco?” I asked.  
“Nothing.” he said shyly.  
But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.  


Everyone: ????  


XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz!  


Twilight: No. It is not good. There is nothing good about it. And worse still, there are over 30 chapters!  
John: WHAT!?  
Italy: *making pasta* I'm gonna need a bigger pasta pot...  
Twilight: We might have to double time on some of these chapters; luckily most of them are short. In the meantime, let's check on our author.  


*Cambot shows CJ on the screen. He's still in his seat but no longer tied up; instead he's typing on a laptop with chains attached to his wrists and ankles. Ptreasure is still taped to the wall*  
Umbridge: What is taking so long!?  
CJ: I can only do so much as an author, Ms. Umbridge!  
Umbridge: You'd better keep writing! Or the pterodactyl gets it! *points her wand at Ptreasure and fires daisies at him* MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!  
CJ:...Being in Azkaban messed up your brain, didn't it?  
Umbridge: Yes. It did. Now KEEP WRITING!!!!! *leaves*  
CJ: *smirks to himself* You underestimate me, Miss Umbridge...  
*Cambot cuts out*  


Twilight: I wonder what that means.  
John: *shrugs*  
Italy: The next chapter is starting...  


Chapter 2.  


AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok!  


Twilight: Sorry, we're gonna keep doing it.  


The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again.  


John: again, how?  


I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had. My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends.  


Italy: Why does she sleep in a coffin?  
John: she's a vampire, remember?  
Harry: Vampires in my series can't be wizards, though. And Hogwarts has a very strict "no dangerous beings" rule. Of course, Dumbledore will put little loopholes in to help beings he likes but something tells me that this isn't the case here.  


I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. I put on four pairs of 

earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.  


John: "kind of messy bun"? do you think this girl also wrote homestuck high?  
Italy: It might just be a coincidence.  


My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!) woke up then and grinned at me.  


Twilight: That was extremely unnecessary.  


She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes.  


John: these descriptions are really overly detailed.  


She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.)  


Everyone: NOBODY CARES.  


“OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!” she said excitedly.  


Harry: OMG I SAW YOU TALKIN' TO THE OBNOXIOUS SNOB!  
Twilight: Never talk like that again.  


“Yeah? So?” I said, blushing.  


Italy: This is exactly how my brother acts when I talk about Prussia! Or how England acts when I talk about America.  


“Do you like Draco?” she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.  


“No I so fucking don’t!” I shouted.  


Italy: And that's exactly how they always respond when I ask them stuff like that!  
John: why are the harry potter fancharacters always slytherins?  


“Yeah right!” she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.  


Twilight: OF COURSE.  


“Hi.” he said.  


“Hi.” I replied flirtily.  


Twilight: I though you didn't like him.  


“Guess what.” he said.  


“What?” I asked.  


John: dersite butt!  


“Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade.” he told me.  


Harry: Good Charlotte is a muggle band and Malfoy comes from a family that hates muggles. DOES NOT COMPUTE.  


“Oh. My. Fucking. God!” I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR.  


Twilight: What's with all the expletives? They have worse language than John!  
John: hey!  


“Well…. do you want to go with me?” he asked.  


I gasped.  


Italy: Is that the end of chapter two?  
Twilight: Yeah. I told you they were short.  
John: we'd better get through this.  
Harry: Don't worry, John, I'm sure we will.  
Twilight: We have to! If we don't the author will die!  


*cut to the author, typing all of this on his laptop*  


CJ: I wouldn't say that, Princess Twilight....*evil smirk*  


To be continued...


	14. Episode 6 Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hehe, it's been a while huh?
> 
> Well, I'm probably gonna put my bigger projects on hold. This and "Welcome to the Inferno" shall get more updates!

My Little HetaStuck MSTs  
Episode 6

Twilight Sparkle: Okay, so, when you last left us we were reading "My Immortal". Unfortunately, due to recent events within his fandom, John has to sit this one out. So, Harry, Italy and I will be doing the riffing for this one instead.  
Harry Potter: *sarcastically* Yayy us. -_-;  
Twilight: Italy? Is that pasta done?  
Italy: Almost!  
Twilight: Okay, on with the riff!  
Harry: But first, I think we should check up on the author.  
Twilight: Good thinking Harry! Cambot! Show us the author!  
*Cambot does that*  
CJ Croen: Boy I sure am glad that they let me keep my computer! And keep taking college classes online!  
Umbridge: *barges in* WHAT'S TAKING SO LONG!?  
CJ: Well, I had college stuff to do, and I had to email my family to let them know I'm okay, and I watched Full Metal Alchemist on netflix, and--  
Umbridge: Did I ask you for your life story?  
CJ: Yes. Yes you did.  
*Awkward Silence™*  
Umbridge: Just keep typing.  
CJ: Yes ma'am! *Umbridge leaves* Sucker...  
*Cambot returns to normal view*  
Harry: There he goes again!  
Twilight: Do you think he has a plan or something?  
Italy: Pasta's done!  
Twilight: Alright, we can now continue the riff!

CHAPTER 3:

AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! FANGS AGEN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don’t own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte.

Twilight: No. We will NOT stop "flamming" the story.  
Spike: *pops up randomly* Did somebody say flaming?  
Twilight:...Yes. Please burn this fanfic for us. *Spike does just that. Unfortunately, it doesn't work* Oh well. It was worth a shot.

On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky. 

Harry: I think from now on we should skip the outfit descriptions.  
Twilight: Good plan.

I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists. I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC. 

Twilight: NO. NO. SHUT UP. NO.  
Harry: Isn't she going to a Good Charlotte concert anyway?  
Italy: I thought it was My Chemical Romance!

I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert.

Twilight: Yes, because we needed to be reminded that Mary Sue--I mean, Ebony--is a vampire.

“Hi Draco!” I said in a depressed voice.

Italy: What you're saying and what you're describing are completely different!

“Hi Ebony.” he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666) and flew to the place with the concert.

Everyone: *facepalm*

On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs. When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.

Twilight: It's not like you need to _show_ us this, or anything.

“You come in cold, you're covered in blood  
They're all so happy you've arrived  
The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom  
She sets you free into this life.” sang Joel (I don’t own da lyrics 2 dat song).

Harry: Well at least she _acknowledged_ that she doesn't own the song. That's more than I can say about other fanfic writers...

“Joel is so fucking hot.” I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice.

Italy: Yeah, because that's what every boyfriend wants to hear. I know Germany would just LOVE it if I told him that I thought _France_ was hotter than him.

Suddenly Draco looked sad.

Italy: What'd I tell you?

“What’s wrong?” I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on.

“Hey, it’s ok I don’t like him better than YOU!” I said.

Twilight: Nice save. *rolls eyes*

“Really?” asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective.

Harry: This can't possibly be the ACTUAL Draco Malfoy. The REAL Draco Malfoy is a cowardly, arrogant wimp.  
Twilight: That he is.

“Really.” I said. “Besides I don’t even know Joel and he’s going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch.” I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face.

Twilight:...Wow. Just _WOW_. Lady, what did Hilary Duff ever do to you?

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Draco didn’t go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into……………………… the Forbidden Forest!

Harry: That pause was unnecessarily long.  
Twilight: Well, that's chapter 3. As an intermission, let's check up on the author! Cambot!  
*Cambot shows the author. He's looking really angry as Umbridge stands behind him and nags him.*  
CJ: Umbridge, I can't work this much if you keep interrupting me.  
Umbridge: Well, you should have thought of that when you took your sweet time getting back to this series! Now keep writing! And why isn't that Egbert boy here?  
CJ: He's got enough on his plate already with that new update. I didn't feel like tormenting him even more!  
Umbridge: You're an idiot! Bring him back now!  
CJ: You do realize that my status as the author makes me capable of affecting _you_ too, right? I don't take kindly to being insulted.  
Umbridge: *pulls out wand* HA! I'd like to see you try!  
CJ: *while typing the next sentence* It'll be hard for you to hex me if your wand has turned into a Twizzler.  
*Umbridge's wand turns into a Twizzler*  
Umbridge: *tries to hex CJ, but can't* Wait, WHAT!?  
Twilight: *watching* 8O  
Harry: WOAH!  
CJ: *takes a bite out of the "wand"* And it's Pull 'n Peel, too! My favorite ^_^  
Umbridge: CHRYSALIS! CONDESCE! KILL HIM!  
*Chrysalis and the Condesce run toward him*  
CJ: *while typing* Suddenly, Chrysalis turns into a horsefly and the Condesce's trident becomes a salami!  
*Suddenly, Chrysalis turns into a horsefly and the Condesce's trident becomes a salami!*  
Chrysalis: *high pitched* Help meee! Help meee!  
Condesce: AH! It's not even a CrockerCorp trademark! 38O  
Twilight: YEAH! Take THAT!  
Harry: Ha!  
Umbridge: RUSSIA!  
*Russia runs at CJ with his pipe in his hand and a sinister grin on his face*  
CJ: *typing* I think Russia will find it hard to attack me when all his clothes disappear!  
*Russia's clothes vanish and he freezes up. He slowly glances down at himself, his grin and pipe drop and his face turns red. Harry covers Twilight's eyes.*  
Russia: AHHHH! *hides in a corner*  
CJ: Your move, Dumbridge!  
Umbridge: I...I...CONDESCE!?  
Condesce: My trident! My beautiful trident!  
Umbridge: CHRYSALIS!?  
Chrysalis: Help mee! Help meeeee!  
Umbridge:...R-Russia?  
Russia: I am not moving from this spot until I get my clothes back! T^T  
Umbridge:...I...I...?  
CJ: Now I think we understand each other, Umbridge. I'm the author, I have the power, and I call the shots! YOU are the villains, so you cause the conflict and provide the requested badfics. Nothing more, nothing less. Got it?  
Umbridge:...Yes. Now make my minions normal again!  
CJ: Only if you release me and my pterodactyl and reduce the amount of chapters of "My Immortal" the riffers have to read to six!  
Umbridge: NEVER!  
CJ: Okay, have fun with the useless wand, horsefly, the grieving fish lady and the naked Russian  >:]  
Umbridge: *glances at the sorry state of her minions* Ugh, fine. You're free to go. But the chapters will be reduced to eight. Take it or leave it.  
CJ: *taking Ptreasure down from the wall* Fine by me. You drive a hard bargain, Umbridge. *returns her minions to normal; Chrysalis goes back to being a changeling, Umbridge's wand is no longer edible, Russia has his clothes back and the Condesce's trident is back. CJ leaves and Cambot switches out of the villains' view.*

Twilight, Harry and Italy: *stunned silence as CJ suddenly appears unnoticed behind them*  
CJ: Hey there!  
Twilight, Harry and Italy: AH!  
Twilight: Don't do that!  
CJ: Sorry, hehe! Did you enjoy my rescue of you guys?  
Twilight: Yes. But we have a riff to continue, so if you'd please?  
CJ: Right! *heads off to continue the riff*

CHAPTER 4

AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony’s name is ENOBY nut mary su OK!

Twilight: Wow. You can't even spell the protagonist's name right.  
Harry: They've reached a brand new low with this one.  
Italy: Let's all stop and appreciate it.  
Twilight: Or let's not.

DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok!

Harry: This is what we call a handwave.  
Twilight: A handwave is when an author comes up with the laziest possible excuse for something improbable happening. It can be done well, but this is not an example.  
Rainbow Dash: *flies by* THE MORE YOU KNOW.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Twilight:...I...don't get it! This...why is this even necessary?

“DRACO!” I shouted. “What the fuck do you think you are doing?”

Draco didn’t answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously.

“What the fucking hell?” I asked angrily.

Twilight: Once again, what is with all the expletives!?  
Harry: This was probably written by a 15-year-old girl who thinks she's being edgy.

“Ebony?” he asked.

“What?” I snapped.

Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn’t feel mad anymore.

Twilight:...What?  
Harry:...What?  
Italy:...:)

And then…………… suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately. Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.

Twilight:...Is...is this supposed to be a sex scene?  
Harry: I...I think so...  
Twilight: I don't know whether or not we should censor this. It sounds like it was written by someone who has a first grade understanding of sex.

“Oh! Oh! Oh! ” I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then….

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!”

It was…………………………………………………….Dumbledore!

Twilight: Yes, because that's totally something Dumbledore would say. Well, this is all we'll be doing of "My Immortal" for today. Fortunately, we only have to continue til chapter 8. Until next time, goodbye!  
Harry: See ya!  
Italy: Arrivederci!

To be continued...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided that it would be a daunting task to write riffs of all thirty chapters, so I'm reducing the number to eight :3  
> Hope you enjoyed this little update!


	15. Episode 6 Part 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *blows dust off and coughs* Hey everyone! Sorry it's been so long XD  
> I'm gonna keep this up, don't worry! I've just had a lot of school work (college @_@)  
> Oh, and John is back in this one! Yay!

My Little HetaStuck MSTs  
Episode 6

Twilight: Greetings once again, everypony! We'll be doing more of...ugh, "My Immortal". For some good news, though, John is back on board!  
John: yo!  
Twilight: And he's brought a couple of guests! John, who are your friends here?  
John: oh, this is roxy, my friend rose's sorta-kinda mom!  
Roxy: sup! im so glad im in the same room as harry potter!  
Harry: Thank you.  
John: and this is my good pal vriska!  
Vriska: Heeeeeeeey everyone! I'm 8ack!!!!!!!!  
Italy: Back from where?  
Vriska: Nevermind.  
Twilight: Just for a brief recap, why exactly did you have to sit out, John?  
John: i'd rather not talk about it. the good news is that i managed to fix things up pretty well! or at least i think i did.  
Roxy: so whatre we doin here again?  
John: oh, we're riffing on a bad harry potter fanfic called "my immortal"!  
Vriska: Oh no........this is gonna 8e the human equivalent to "Troll Harry Potter Fanfic Where Troll Draco is in a Matespritship With A Witch Who is also a Goth Rain8ow Drinker And O8sessed With Troll Emo Bands And They All Have Weird Nonsensical Adventures That Even Our Race Can't Comprehend" isn't it?  
Everyone else:...  
Twilight: Come again?  
John: it's a troll thing. and yeah, vriska, pretty much.  
Vriska: Greeeeeeeeat. *rolls eyes*  
Twilight: Well let's get started!

Chapter 5.

AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr! Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx! PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Twilight: Sweet Celestia is this author whiny!  
Roxy: and her grammar is worse than my typing quirk

Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.

“You ludacris fools!” he shouted.

Harry: I think the word you're looking for is "ludicrous".

I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face.

Vriska: So she's a troll????????

Draco comforted me. When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry.

Harry: I understand why he took them to Snape, seeing as he's their head of house, but I don't see why McGonagall has to be involved here.

“They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!” he yelled in a furious voice.

“Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?” asked Professor McGonagall.

“How dare you?” demanded Professor Snape.

And then Draco shrieked. “BECAUSE I LOVE HER!”

Twilight: Only one of these characters is acting in-character. Guess which one it is!  
Harry: Here's a hint: His name rhymes with "grape".

Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. “Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms.”

Harry: And now he's out of character.  
Italy: This scene feels a little pointless.  
Vriska: And that surprises you 8ecause........?

Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us.

“Are you okay, Ebony?” Draco asked me gently.

“Yeah I guess.” I lied. I went to the girl’s dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels. When I came out….

Everyone except Vriska and Roxy ('cause they're new): GET ON WITH IT.

Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing ‘I just wanna live’ by Good Charlotte. I was so flattered, even though he wasn’t supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room.

Twilight: Ugh...  
Harry: Could they make Malfoy any less in-character?  
Roxy: i dont get it why is she surprised that hes there??? didnt he follow her up??  
Vriska: I think it's 8etter if we don't question it.  
Twilight: The good news is that these chapters are mercifully short and after the next one we only have two more to riff! After that, we'll go back to looking at badfics that are requested by our readers!  
Everyone else: YAAAY!  
Italy: I'll go make some pasta to celebrate!  
Roxy: ooh i could go for some pasta  
Vriska: Totally! Make some for us too!  
Italy: Will do!  
*Umbridge, The Condesce, Russia and Chrysalis appear on the big screen*  
Twilight: What do you want?  
Umbridge: We're just checking to see how horrible this fanfiction is for you?  
The Condesce: Wait, Lalonde? Is that U, gurl?  
Roxy: hey!! its the batterwitch!! whats she doing here!?  
John: she's one of the villains umbridge got to get revenge on us or something.  
The Condesce: Oh ho ho ho! This is just too yummy! Say, how is your paradox momma/daughter? You know, after I KRILLED her?  
Roxy: *smirks* i dont know what youre talkin about witch!  
The Condesce: What?  
John: i changed the timeline crocker! rose isn't dead anymore!  
Vriska: Yeah!!!!!!!! And I saved her!!!!!!!!  
The Condesce: What!? AURGH!  
Umbridge: What are you two babbling about?  
Twilight: For once I agree, this needs an answer.  
The Condesce: It doesn't matter anymore.   
John: yeah, because roxy, vriska, terezi and i saved the timeline!  
The Condesce: The little Pyrope girl was in on it too!?  
John: how 'bout you all get out of here? we're busy riffing!  
Vriska: Yes, run along now!  
The Condesce: HEY! You can't tell us what to--  
Vriska: *manipul8s the villains; Umbridge falls asleep and Russia and Chrysalis walk/fly away against their will*  
The Condesce: I...what?  
Vriska: Everyday I'm getting 8etter! Now get out 8efore I try to practice it on you!  
The Condesce: *grits her teeth* I'll get you all...*shuts off the monitor*  
Twilight: You could really control her?  
Vriska: Nope! She'd see right through me and turn the ta8les almost immediately! I was just 8luffing!  
Twilight: Clever!  
Italy: *returns with pasta* Hey everyone! What did I miss?

To be continued...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed the newest chapter and the guest appearances of Roxy and Vriska!


	16. Episode 6 Part 4 (end)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> At last, the exciting conclusion to this episode!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After a way too long hiatus, I'm finally going to put "My Immortal" to rest and so they can all get on with their lives and riff on something else next!

Twilight: THIS IS IT! WE'RE ALMOST DONE! JUST CHAPTERS SEVEN AND EIGHT TO FINISH AND WE'LL BE DONE WITH MY IMMORTAL FOREVER!  
Everyone Else: YAY!  
John: so should we do introductions or...  
Twilight: NO! Let's get this over with! Italy! Is the pasta ready!?  
Italy: I made the biggest bowl I could make! We're gonna need extra carbs to get through this!

CHAPTER 7:

Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs. I was wearing red Satanist sings on my nails in red nail polish (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?). 

Twilight: Yes.  
Italy: What are "red Satanist sings"?  
John: i don't care.

I waved to Vampire. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco. 

Vriska: Why is she randomly waving to a vampire?  
Harry: Does it really matter at this point?  
Roxy: the vampire she mentioned is probably totes more interesting than she is.

Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco. We went into his room and locked the door. Then…………

Roxy: wait for it...

We started frenching passively and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. 

Twilight: Wow, they're frenching "passively"? Their love life must be extremely boring.

He felt me up before I took of my top. 

Italy: Wait, didn't she just say that they already took off each others' clothes!?  
Vriska: Consistency? Wh8's that?

Then I took off my black leather bra and he took off his pants. 

Everyone: GET ON WITH IT.

We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy’s thingy in mine and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?)

John: yes, yes it is.  
Twilight: I am so confused! Should we be censoring this or not?  
Roxy: probably not. it sounds like sex as written by a 10 year old.

“Oh Draco, Draco!” I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco’s arm. It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words………… Vampire!

Twilight: What is with all the ridiculously long ellipses?  
Vriska: You have a problem with long ellipses? >::::(  
Harry: What I'm wondering is why his arm tattoo isn't the Dark Mark.

I was so angry.

“You bastard!” I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.

Twilight: Oh, I guess the tattoo was meant to mean that he used to be with that Vampire guy.  
Italy: Plot twist!  
John: forced, contrived plot twist!

“No! No! But you don’t understand!” Draco pleaded. But I knew too much.

“No, you fucking idiot!” I shouted. “You probably have AIDs anyway!”

John: *cough*homophobe*cough*

I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. Draco ran out even though he was naked. He had a really big you-know-what but I was too mad to care. 

Twilight: TMI, lady.

I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire’s classroom where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people.

Roxy: who aren't important right now.

“VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!” I yelled.

Twilight: Someone really owes money to a swear jar!  
(BEEP BEEP BEEP)  
Italy: PASTA'S DONE~  
Twilight: Then lunch shall commence!

(One short pasta eating intermission later...)

Twilight: We're finally going to finish up! Now onward to chapter eight and we never have to riff this fanfic again!

CHAPTER 8:

Everyone in the class stared at me and then Draco came into the room even though he was naked and started begging me to take him back.

Harry: There's an image I wanted in my head; Draco Malfoy naked. Ugh...  
Twilight: You need a barf bag?  
Harry: No thanks.

“Ebony, it’s not what you think!” Draco screamed sadly.

Italy: I thought her name was Enoby!  
Roxy: no, italy, it's evony!

My friend B’loody Mary Smith smiled at me understatedly. 

Vriska: If you say her name in a mirror three times, she will appear in your bathroom and annoy you to death!!!!!!!!

She flipped her long waste-length gothic black hair and opened her crimson eyes like blood that she was wearing contact lenses on. 

John: i thought we were skipping the overly long descriptions.

She had pale white skin that she was wearing white makeup on. 

Twilight: I don't think the author's even trying anymore.

Hermione was kidnapped when she was born. 

Harry: Where did THAT come from!?

Her real parents are vampires and one of them is a witch but Voldemort killed her mother and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it. 

Twilight: That's actually a fairly interesting idea. I'm sure they're going to shove it aside though.

She still has nightmares about it and she is very haunted and depressed. 

Vriska: Someone call the WAAAAAAAAMBULANCE!

It also turns out her real last name is Smith and not Granger. 

John: i don't understand this story!

(Since she has converted to Satanism she is in Slytherin now not Griffindoor. )

Twilight: That doesn't even make any sense.

“What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!” Snape demeaned angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him.

Harry: Oh hey, the author remembered Snape was in this story!

“Vampire, I can’t believe you cheated on me with Draco!” I shouted at him.

Italy: I'm sorry, WHO was dating WHO again!?

Everyone gasped.

John and Roxy: jerry! jerry! jerry! jerry!

I don’t know why Ebony was so mad at me. 

Twilight: Wait...did we just shift into someone else's POV? With no warning whatsoever?

I had went out with Vampire (I’m bi and so is Ebony) for a while but then he broke my heart. 

He dumped me because he liked Britney, a stupid preppy fucker. 

John: this story has too many plotholes at once!

We were just good friends now. He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was gothic. (Haha, like I would hang out with a prep.)

Twilight: What is with this author and her obsession with goths!?

“But I’m not going out with Draco anymore!” said Vampire.

“Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!” I screamed. 

John: back to ebony.  
Twilight: God this cursing is more than I can bear!

I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest where I had lost my virility to Draco and then I started to bust into tears.

Roxy: she lost her virility?  
Harry: The forest is next to the dungeons?  
Twilight: WHO CARES! WE'RE FINALLY DONE!!!  
Everyone: HOORAY!   
(fireworks and streamers fly around; Pinkie Pie jumps in with a noisemaker)  
John: (to Roxy and Vriska) thank you so much for helping me riff, you guys!  
Roxy: no prob!  
Vriska: Glad we could help! ::::D

(At the villain headquarters...)  
Umbridge: I'll get them with the next one! >:(


	17. What's the deal now!?

Twilight Sparkle: Hello again, everypony! Sorry we don't have a riff right now; this is just a quick little update on what's going on with this series! Joining me as always are Italy!  
Italy: Bon journo!  
Twilight: Harry Potter!  
Harry Potter: Hey!  
Twilight: And John Egbert!  
John Egbert: zzzzz...  
Twilight: JOHN!  
John: (wakes up) huh! wha? oh, right. sorry, i've been exhausted ever since my series ended.  
Twilight: How was that, by the way?  
John: oh, it was awesome! i can't believe [SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER]!  
Twilight:...Wow. That's a lot to take in...  
Italy: (wearing troll horns) You'll get used to it. (fist bumps John)  
Twilight: Anyway, where were we? Oh yes! We were talking about the status of this series! I'm delighted to inform you that our author is officially on summer break! Meaning that his schedule will be much more flexible and loose in the coming two to three months! Therefore, he will be capable of contributing to this and many other series for the summer!  
John: yeah!  
Harry: And he will be looking into the requests you all sent, so you can look forward to that too!  
John: and he'll be working a lot on those new homestuck fics! including the one that takes place after the end of homestuck!  
Twilight: Well, hopefully he'll also update "My Little Jurassic Park"!  
Italy: And get to writing those USUK fics he said he'd write!  
Harry: Edward Elric told me that he still has to update those Fullmetal Alchemist fics he was making.  
Twilight: Look, the point is, our author/employer will finish those when he can get to it! Now until then, stick around for more updates!  
(beat)  
Italy: Is that it?  
Twilight:...Yeah. What do you wanna do now?  
John: i know! let's go hang out on [SPOILER] with my friends! my dad bakes a mean cake!  
Pinkie Pie: (appears out of nowhere) I'm in!  
Harry: Sure, why not?  
Italy: Yeah!  
Twilight: Sounds like fun!

To be continued...


	18. Episode 7: Pattycakes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one has been requested a couple of times, so I figured I might as well put it in!

Twilight: Hello, everypony! We're back! And by we, I mean me, Princess Twilight Sparkle and my friends John Egbert...  
John: hey everyone!  
Twilight: Feliciano "Italy" Vargas...  
Italy: Hello!  
Twilight: Harry Potter...  
Harry: Greetings!  
Twilight: And our special guest, my close personal friend Fluttershy.  
Fluttershy: Um...hi.  
*theater screen suddenly starts buzzing and everyone looks up to see Umbridge*  
Fluttershy: Oh my gosh, who is that?  
Twilight: Oh, she's just the one who's forcing us to do all this -_-  
Umbridge: Hello, Twilight. It's interesting that your shy little winged horse--  
Twilight: It's "Pegasus" in my world!  
Umbridge: Whatever--it's interesting that your little friend is here because this next fanfiction is all about her!  
John: it's about fluttershy, how bad could it be?  
Umbridge: It's called "Pattycakes" by Pegacorn Ondacob!  
Twilight: Oh...I hear that one's bad...  
Umbridge: Well, you have no choice! Fanfic sign activated!  
Twilight: *sigh* Let's get started...

It was a beautiful day in Ponyville. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and everypony was out having fun in the nice weather. It was all thanks to the most dependable pegasus on the weather team: Rainbow Dash. The pony in question was at the moment resting on what to her might very well be the most comfortable cloud in all of Equestria after a hard day of handling the weather like she normally did. She had been resting for awhile when she just thought about another appointment that she had to keep. Getting up and stretching her wings, she flew low over the busy town. Looking down she spotted Scootaloo who gave her idol a friendly wave. Smiling, Dash waved back and went on her way to her destination. It didn’t take long for her to reach her long time friend’s house. Rainbow Dash landed on the front step of Fluttershy’s moss grown and knocked on the door. A short while later a familiar yellow pegasus answered the door and smiled sweetly at her.

Twilight: The paragraph is well-written at least. A little wordy, but still nice.  
John: i bet that's gonna change.

The two of them had been friends since they were fillies. But whereas Rainbow Dash continued to remain in Cloudsdale following the events of the sonic rainboom, Fluttershy chose to remain on the ground and build her home just beyond the outskirts of the Everfree Forest where all the animals lived. Fluttershy had garnered a reputation among her friends as someone who was good with animals and taking care of injured or sick woodland creatures. She despite herself also proved herself capable in foalsitting as she had when she was put in charge of the Cutiemark Crusaders when Rarity was unable to look after them. It was a lifestyle that Rainbow Dash could never imagine having as it was too slow paced for her. Yet despite the two pegasus’ vastly different lifestyles and interests, the two remained very close friends, which is why Rainbow Dash didn’t think twice when Fluttershy requested that she join her on this day.

Italy: This is already sounding just like Cupcakes.  
Twilight: There's a good reason for that, actually--the story was written as a parody of Cupcakes!  
Fluttershy: Am I going to be turned into a murderer in this fanfic, like Pinkie was in Cupcakes?  
Twilight: No no, MUCH worse...  
Fluttershy:...oh joy...  
Twilight: Let's skip ahead a little bit, shall we?

“Oh!” said Fluttershy, “Well in that case you must be thirsty!”

“Come to think of it, I am a little parched.”

“You wait right there! I’ll be right back.”

Fluttershy disappeared for a moment and reappeared shortly after holding a silver tray in her mouth. On the tray was a single glass full of ice and a transparent yellow liquid, topped with a flexible straw. She placed the tray on a nearby table and Rainbow Dash at once approached the table and sucked on the small plastic tube, drawing liquid into her mouth.

“Mmmm! This is tasty and refreshing! What is it?”

“It’s a sports drink that Pinkie Pie came up with. It’s supposed to help rehydrate the body faster than water can alone. She calls it ‘Gummyade.’ ”

“Well remind me to thank her later on,” said the blue Pegasus as she drank some more through the straw. “So what did you call me here over for? It is something having to do with one of your small critters?”

“No. I wanted you to come over because you’re my best friend and I wanted to talk to you about something that’s been on my mind for awhile. Foalsitting the Cutiemark Crusaders got me thinking. Looking after animals is nice and everything, but eventually I want to be a mommy. I want to have a baby of my own to raise and nuture and pamper.”

“Well I’m sure you’ll make a great mommy.”

Fluttershy: I think this author missed the point of "Stare Master". I'm not as good with kids as I am with animals. Though I would like to be a mother someday.  
Twilight: Wait till the end of the fanfic and see if you still feel that way. Now let's skip ahead a little bit more:

“Do you know the lullaby I used to try to put the Cutiemark Crusaders to sleep?” asked Fluttershy.

“Not off the top of my head,” said Rainbow Dash.

Fluttershy cleared her throat and began to sing.

“Hush now, quiet now,

It's time to lay your sleepy head,

Hush now, quiet now,

It's time to go to bed,

Drifting off to sleep,

Leave exciting day behind you,

Drifting off to sleep,

Let the joy of daylight find you.”

As she sang, Rainbow Dash began to feel tired and light-headed. At first she thought she was more tired than she realized. Then she thought that maybe her friend’s lullaby was really that powerful. Finally her suspicion fell upon the glass of the unnaturally colored yellow liquid. Looking at it and smelling it, she turned to her friend. She wanted to say something, but Fluttershy continued to sing her song and soon Rainbow Dash collapsed on the spot, lost to the darkness.

John: and boom: grimdark.

Rainbow Dash regained consciousness sometime later, but still found herself in darkness. She started to stretch her limbs only to find that she couldn’t. She was restrained and could barely move her arms and legs which were strapped down. Immediately she called out to the darkness for help.

“Oh good. You’re awake. We can get started!” a familiar voice called out.

Fluttershy: Hey hey hey, what'd I tell y'all about comin' in my shed?  
.MOV!Fluttershy: Yay! She said it! :D  
Twilight: Ugh, not that again -_-  
Fluttershy: *giggles* I couldn't resist!

A light turned on to reveal everything. Rainbow Dash appeared to be strapped down to some sort of changing table by her legs, torso and arms. She was restrained in such a way that she could not move her wings at all. The room appeared to be some sort of nursery. The walls and carpet were decorated in pastels. There was a playpen, a crib, a closet, baby toys and other paraphernalia suitable for the youngest of foals. More disturbing than her being restrained in such a way was that none of the items seemed size appropriate for a foal. They seemed made for an adult pony. Fluttershy was in the doorway and looked at the restrained Pegasus with a smile on her face.

Italy: Oh dear...I think I know where this is going now...

“Fluttershy, what’s going on here?” said the blue pony with more of a sense of irk than disturbance. “Why am I strapped down?”

“Well … remember earlier out how I said I wanted to be a mommy and have a baby of my very own?”

John: it's raping time!

“I vaguely remember something like that before blacking out. Hey, wait a minute! What did you put in my drink? Did you drug me?”

“I did and I’m sorry. But it was necessary for you to cooperate. You see I’ve been going over a lot of options. At first I thought about giving birth to my own foal, but I don’t even have a boyfriend. Then I thought about adoption, but that’s full of complications and often a lot of red tape. Then I thought about us and how we’ve been friends longer than any of the other girls. That’s when I realized that you would be a perfect baby for me.”

Everyone:...  
Harry: What?  
Twilight: Play that again, I want to make sure we read it right.

“I did and I’m sorry. But it was necessary for you to cooperate. You see I’ve been going over a lot of options. At first I thought about giving birth to my own foal, but I don’t even have a boyfriend. Then I thought about adoption, but that’s full of complications and often a lot of red tape. Then I thought about us and how we’ve been friends longer than any of the other girls. That’s when I realized that you would be a perfect baby for me.”

Everyone:...  
Harry: WHAT!?  
Twilight: No, no, no, I will not accept this. No part of this paragraph makes any sense at all! Why is her only option for a baby Rainbow Dash? Why can't she just find a boyfriend and get pregnant the old fashioned way? Why can't she just adopt some nice foal? Why are none of these options good choices? Her excuses are incredibly poor too!  
Fluttershy: As much as I'd like to be a mother, I'm not ready for it yet! I wouldn't try ANY of these options!

Rainbow Dash just stared at Fluttershy for a bit and burst out laughing.

John: yeah, that's pretty much how i'd react too.

“Oh that’s rich, Fluttershy. Wanting me to be your baby. How did you come up with this prank? Did Pinkie Pie help you?”

Fluttershy tilted her head.

“Prank? Oh no, Rainbow Dash. I am being most sincere. And I guarantee that by day’s end, you will be calling me ‘mommy.’ ”

“Pfft! Like that’s going to happen.”

“Time will tell. Let’s get started.”

Italy: Oh no! It's beginning!

Fluttershy began by reaching for something that was in one of the compartments of the changing table. She presented a set of four bondage mitts that were covered in pink fleece so they looked like booties for newborns. Before Rainbow Dash could protest, Fluttershy was already working to secure the mitts on Dash’s hooves one by one.

John: well, that mental image is hilarious.

“What are these for?” asked Rainbow Dash.

“So that you don’t mess with the next thing I’m going to put on you.”

Harry: Wait, don't tell me: It's a diaper, right?

Rainbow Dash raised an eyebrow at her friend. Fluttershy said nothing and continued to put the bondage mitts on her friend’s hooves until they were nice and snug. Once she was finished she pulled out what was clearly a thick yellow diaper that was made to fit an adult size but still decorated to look like one for a filly. She began to undo the diaper. Dash looked on with disgust.

Harry: Called it!

“Oooooh no! You don’t plan to put that on me, do you?” said Dash.

“Not only will you wear it, but you will use it too.”

John: OH GROSS!  
Fluttershy: Just for the record, I didn't even want to change my brother's diapers when he was a baby.

“Like Hell I will!”

Fluttershy pretended she didn’t hear that and proceeded to put the diaper on her friend. Rainbow Dash couldn’t exactly struggle much since the straps held her down. So it wasn’t long before the diaper was on her rear and secured in place. Dash stared in awe at the piece of cloth, plastic, tapes and absorbent material hugging her waist. She hasn’t worn of these since she was very young. The first filly among her peers to be potty trained, and here she was in diapers again. She looked down at it and noticed the pattern on the diaper.

“Pink butterflies?” asked Rainbow Dash.

“Yep. My cutiemark. That way anyone can look at your diaper and know right away who your mama is.”

Twilight: I think I'm already gonna be sick. Anyone want the barf bags?  
Everyone: *raises their hands*

“Look, Fluttershy. I don’t know what’d gotten into you, but I am NOT a little filly and you are NOT my mama.”

“Awww. A little grumpy, I see. Let me remove those straps.”

Fluttershy began to remove the straps one by one. Rainbow Dash began to stretch her limbs with each new liberated limb. She waited with bated breath as Fluttershy began to remove the strap holding her chest down. Finally there was nothing holding her down.

“I’m outta here!” exclaimed Rainbow Dash.

John: fly! fly like the wind!  
Fluttershy: Escape from the bizarrely out of character version of me!

She sprang from the changing table with every intention of flying out of the room and out the front door. But she had barely gotten off the table when she fell down, crashing head first on the floor. Fluttershy helped her up and held the diapered pony in her arms.

John: wait, why?

“Are you okay, Dashy?” she asked.

“Ugh. I’m feeling kinda weak for some reason.”

“Silly filly. You know very well little that you’re not strong enough to fly. Not yet, at least. After all, you’re just a baby.”

Everyone: NO SHE ISN'T!

“Oh yeah? Well I can still remove this diaper!”

Italy: *suddenly wearing handcuffs* I can break these cuffs!

Rainbow Dash shuffled out of Fluttershy’s grasp and tried to remove the diaper, but try as she might, between the loss of grip due to the mitts and her noticeable lack of strength, she was unable to do so. She sat on her padded duff, crossed her arms and gave a slight huff when she realized it was hopeless.

Twilight: How are the cuffs treating you, Italy?  
Italy: Almost...out...of...cuffs...  
John: you want me to get the buzz saw?  
Twilight: Yes.

“Oh Dash, don’t be silly. You can’t leave. Not looking like that. What would people say? What would Scootaloo say? You simply aren’t strong enough right now.”

Rainbow Dash glared at Fluttershy. She knew very well she was at the yellow pegasus’ mercy.

Fluttershy: If I were this persuasive in real life I'd be on a yacht right now.

“Okay, Fluttershy. What will it take to get this diaper off?”

“Humor me for the rest of the day. If you’re not happy by day’s end, you’ll be free to go.”

“That’s it? I just have to play baby with you for a day and I’m free to go?”

“That’s it.”

Everyone: DON'T DO IT!

“Okay … I guess I can deal with that. What did you want to do first?”

Everyone: *facepalm*  
Twilight: Okay, so what happens next is that they play pattycake and it's really boring, so we'll skip it.

Just then Rainbow Dash’s body was telling her something she didn’t want to hear, especially not as she was now. She wiggled her legs a bit.

“Uh, Fluttershy. I don’t know how to say this but … I … need go water the flowers.”

Twilight: Get your barf bags ready.

“Oh you don’t have to Dashy. I already watered my garden this morning.”

John: heh, okay i'll admit that one is kinda funny.

“No, what I mean is I need to go use the little filly’s room.”

“Oh! Well then by all means! You’re free to go.”

Rainbow Dash blinked.

“Really? Then in that case could you help me get this diaper off?”

“Oh no, no, no. You misunderstand. You’re free to go … in your diapers.”

Italy: Time for a double rainbow! (vomits into barf bag twice)

Rainbow Dash was about to protest, but before she could she thought about what Fluttershy said earlier about her being free to go if she cooperated and simply huffed.

“I can hold it,” she Rainbow Dash.

“If you say so,” said Fluttershy.

Twilight: Oh thank Celestia.

The two of them spend the next half hour or so playing as any mother and daughter would. Fluttershy had put a lot of effort into the nursery room. There was a table with a pink tablecloth and a tea set. Rainbow Dash was not entirely keen on having a tea party with Fluttershy, but abided as best as she could. The closet was also filled with all manner of infantile clothing. Fluttershy had Rainbow Dash try one each outfit and model it for her much to the blue pony’s dismay.

Twilight: I think this version of Fluttershy is actually insane.

“These dresses look adorable on you, Rainbow Dash.”

Rainbow Dash, who was currently wearing a pink frilly maid-like dress only huffed. Just then Fluttershy looked as if she had suddenly remembered something.

John: okay, i'll also admit that's funny too.

“Oh, I just remembered that I have to check on one of the animals in my care. I’ll be right back, baby,” said Fluttershy as she went out of the room 

Harry: This is creepier than Cupcakes. It's so much less overt.

Fluttershy had left the door to the nursery open. Rainbow Dash was tempted to escape to the outside, but decided against it considering how she was dressed and had no way to change that. By now she realized that she could no longer hold in her bladder. She needed to relieve herself one way or the other. Looking and listening around to make sure Fluttershy was not around, she spread her legs, pulled up her dress, and finally let it all go in her diaper, giving a sigh of relief. When she was done, the pink butterflies on her yellow diaper had disappeared and her diaper was much warmer and softer. Curiosity got the better of her and she started to play with her wet diapers.

Everyone:...  
Harry: _WHAT!?_  
Twilight: Can we read that last sentence again just to be sure we read it right?

Curiosity got the better of her and she started to play with her wet diapers.

Twilight: Everyone get your barf bags out!  
Everyone: *barfs into barf bags*

“Enjoying your diapers, I see.”

Twilight: STOP REMINDING US!

Rainbow Dash almost peed her diapers again when she heard that. She turned and saw that Fluttershy had returned and she hadn’t noticed.

“Er … no!” said the blue pony pushing her dress down. “I hate these things. Get them off!”

“I’ll tell you what. Just call me ‘mommy’ and I’ll change your diapers.”

Rainbow Dash considered the option but quickly put it out of her mind.

“I’ve been in worse situations. I don’t mind the diapers.”

She stopped for a moment and realized what she just said.

John: uh oh...

“Er … that’s not what I mean,” said the blue pegasus waving her hooves in front of her. “I meant that I would rather be in diapers than call you ‘mommy.’ ”

Italy: This story is getting worse and worse.

Suddenly Rainbow Dash’s stomach began to grumble.

“Looks like someone is hungry!” said the yellow pegasus, “Follow me. I’ll fix you up something.”

Italy: Speaking of which, I think it's time I made you all some pasta! Any requests Fluttershy?  
Fluttershy: I'll have some bowtie pasta with vegetarian sauce and garnish, please!  
Italy: Coming up!

Fluttershy trotted out of the nursery and Rainbow Dash followed after. The diaper on her rear made a distinct crinkling noise as she walked. Rainbow Dash cringed at the feeling, but tolerated it for the moment if playing along meant her eventual freedom. Fluttershy went into the kitchen while Rainbow Dash remained in the dining room. There was a table, but no places to sit at it. Fluttershy came out soon after with a tray with a bowl filled with hot cereal and spoon and set the tray on the table.

“Oatmeal?” asked Rainbow Dash.

“Indeed,” said Fluttershy.

“I suppose I could go for some oatmeal.”

“Have a seat, please.”

“Where? There’s no place to sit.”

Harry: Wait, let me guess: A high chair, right?

Fluttershy pointed to a piece of furniture that escaped Rainbow Dash’s attention when she first came into the room. It was a high chair, complete with built-in table and buckling belt to keep the occupant safe in it.

Twilight: You're on a roll, Harry!

“There is no way I am sitting in that!” said Dash as she crossed her arms.

Twilight: This story is getting tedious. Can we just skip ahead to the end? No? Fine.

Fluttershy gave Rainbow Dash a look like that of a puppydog as a means of silently pleading with her. Rainbow Dash only shook her head from side to side in defiance. Then Fluttershy did something she had never done to her friend before. She gave her the stare. It was the look that always filled those she gave it to with dread. Rainbow Dash lowered her ears and backed away slowly. Without a word she got into the high chair. Once she was seated, Fluttershy returned to her normal disposition and came over and buckled the blue diapered pony in and closed the tray, effectively locking her into the chair. Once this was done she brought the bowl of oatmeal and spoon and placed it on the highchair tray.

Twilight: I guess this is kind of in character. Anyway, Fluttershy feeds Rainbow Dash and it's really boring. But there is a plot-relevant sentence in the paragraph it happens in...

All the while nothing but thoughts of sheer and utter humiliation filled Rainbow Dash’s head as well as fears of what anyone might say if they saw her like this.

Twilight: Jeez, Fluttershy, fanfic you isn't playing around!  
Fluttershy: Indeed.  
Italy: Pasta's done!

“Now I imagine you’re thirsty, right?” said the yellow pony.

“I could use something to drink … as long as it’s not anymore of that Gummyade stuff.”

Harry: Wait, don't tell me...

Fluttershy nodded and went into the kitchen and returned with a baby bottle.

Harry: Yeah, thought so.  
Twilight: Now I'm definitely skipping this one.

After a nutritious meal, Fluttershy escorted Rainbow Dash back to the nursery. Fluttershy saw that Rainbow Dash was visibly beginning to break down, but knew it was a little premature to tell if her efforts were completely successful. For all she knew, the blue pony was merely playing along with the promise of freedom at the end of the day if she cooperated. Rainbow Dash was still suckling on her paci when she walked into the nursery, her rear crinkling behind her. She walked over to a nearby teddy bear and began to cuddle with it.

John: good god, fanfic fluttershy is scary!

Fluttershy decided that now would be a good time for a story, so she reached for a book from a nearby bookshelf and went over to a nearby bean bag and called Rainbow Dash over to her. Rainbow Dash seemed quite disorientated but found her way next to Fluttershy and sat in the beanbag chair with her. Fluttershy opened the book and read aloud. The story itself was nothing terribly earth shattering. It was about a pony wishing to hold the world’s biggest tea party. But Fluttershy read the story as if she were the newly elected mayor of Ponyville reading her inaugural address. When she was done, she closed the book and turned to Dash.

“So, Dashy. What did you think of the story?”

Rainbow Dash spit out the pacifier which was attached via a pendant.

“Eh … it was okay. It’s no Harry Trotter and the Fillyosopher’s Stone, though.”

Harry and Twilight: *facepalm*

“I see. Then in that case maybe I should show you something else.”

Fluttershy got up and put the book away and returned with a photo album. She sat down next to the diapered pony and opened the album. The first photo was that of Fluttershy as a young filly, still living in Cloudsdale.

“Aww … how cute,” said Rainbow Dash.

Twilight: Aww, that does sound cute!  
Italy: Well, if Fluttershy was as cute as a baby as she is now, I'm sure it would be!  
Fluttershy: Oh you flatter me *blushes*  
John: well so far this part sounds pretty innocent.

Fluttershy turned the page which revealed photos of the other five ponies in their circle of friends as young fillies, including Rainbow Dash. The blue pony smiled and laughed at the sight.

Twilight: Oh my, I hope they didn't see my baby pictures!  
Fluttershy: I've seen your baby pictures Twilight, you look adorable!  
Harry: This story seems like it's turning around. I'm impressed!

Then Fluttershy turned the page and Rainbow Dash’s laughter stopped.

Harry: Whoops, I spoke too soon.

The first photo was of Cheerilee in a short dress, diaper and pacifier and holding a stuffed animal. She was clearly not a filly in this photo, but of adult age and posed provocatively for the camera.

Fluttershy: Wait, what?

The next photo showed the mayor of Ponyville dressed similarly and then Carrot and Cup Cake also dressed in baby outfits.

John: huh?  
Twilight: What the...?  
Italy: Wha?

One by one Fluttershy turned the pages of the album to reveal more of the same: citizens of Ponyville turned into adult foals. Futher pages revealed intimate diapered photos of Lyra, BonBon, Spike, Braeburn, Big McIntosh, and sure enough Pinkie Pie, Rarity, Applejack and Twilight Sparkle too. When Rainbow Dash saw a photo of various members of The Wonderbolts in diapers, she jumped up and made a run for the door.

Twilight: Barf bag time!  
*barfing ensues*

“Where are you going?” asked Fluttershy.

“Away from you!” said Rainbow Dash in disgust. “This is sick! Grown ponies in diapers? What did you do to them all?”

Twilight: I have to agree here.

“Now Dashy, all these photos were taken with permission. These ponies and I consented to a little adult foal play and each photo is a fond memory of it.”

John: i'm sorry, but wasn't spike mentioned in there? isn't he technically a minor?

“So why force this on me?”

“I told you. You’re going to be my baby.”

Everyone: NO SHE'S NOT!

“Screw that! You think I am going to take this? You think I’m going to allow you to treat me like a baby just becau…?”

But before Rainbow Dash could finish, something happened that the blue pony never foresaw.

Fluttershy: Please say that fanfic me was incinerated by a bolt of lightning, PLEASE say that fanfic me was incinerated by a bolt of lightning...

She messed her diapers. She didn’t even feel it happening, nor was she given any time to react to it. It just happened. One moment she was talking and the next minute she was filling her diapers with excrement as it were as natural and automatic as breathing. All this paralyzed the blue pony with fear. When the deed was done, she reached behind her and patted her diapered rear, causing it to squish. Rainbow Dash realized that for reasons beyond her understanding, she had messed herself uncontrollably and it frightened her to the core. She began to cry.

Everyone: O_O  
Everyone: O_O  
Everyone: O_O

“Aww … there, there,” said Fluttershy comforting the blue pegasus. “It’s okay. Want me to change your diapers?”

As much as she hated to admit it, she needed a good diaper change and nodded.

“Okay, but if you want me to change you, you need to call me ‘mommy’ and then ask me to change you.”

John: YOU EVIL PSYCHO! no offense.  
Fluttershy: None taken.

Rainbow Dash thought about this and what it would mean for her. She was in quite a predicament right now and the only way out was through the very person who put her into this mess. She had little choice in the matter. Prolonging the inevitable would only make it worse on her.

Twilight: And us.

“I … I … I” began the scared blue pegasus.

“What’s that?” asked the yellow pegasus.

Rainbow Dash was beginning to feel really filthy, both internally and externally. She knew what she had to do.

“Mommy, I want you to change my diapees,” she said.

Everyone: D8  
Twilight: I...I...Oh my sweet Luna in a jumpsuit...Let's skip the disturbingly graphic description of Fluttershy changing Rainbow Dash's diapers, shall we?

The diaper sealed the deal. Everything up to this point had been in a effort to break the blue Pegasus known as Rainbow Dash, but the diaper made certain that she would stay broken. Rainbow Dash giggled and put her paci back in her mouth and patted her new diaper. Fluttershy giggled and picked Dash off the table and set her on the floor.

Twilight: Here we have yet another line that bears repeating, just to make sure we hadn't read it wrong.

Everything up to this point had been in a effort to break the blue Pegasus known as Rainbow Dash, but the diaper made certain that she would stay broken.

Fluttershy: You're right Twilight, this fanfic DOES make me worse than a murderer.

“How do you feel, baby?” asked Fluttershy.

“I feel wonderful, mommy!” exclaimed Rainbow Dash.

“Wonderful! I couldn’t have asked for a better filly. I love you, Dashy.”

“I love you too, mommy!”

Everyone: D8

As a teenage pony, Rainbow Dash was always so adventurous and apt to crashing into things. As a mentally regressed filly, she retained these traits, but now found herself answering to Fluttershy. Her best friend was now her mommy, and it made her happy to be a filly again with a mother who loved her.

Twilight: So how would Rainbow Dash's ACTUAL mother feel about this?

Fluttershy on the other hand got to experience the joys of being a parent through a filly made from her best friend who was now completely dependent on her. Caring for the regressed Rainbow Dash much to her surprise had brought Fluttershy more joy than any baby bunny, sick bird or animal in need of care had ever done before. Rainbow Dash would never “grow up” as it were since Fluttershy’s influence would always keep her in check. Sooner or later some pony would discover what had befallen Rainbow Dash, but until then there was a limitless supply of diapers to use, bottle to suckle, clothes to wear and games to play. And right now for Rainbow Dash, that was all that mattered anymore.

The End.

Everyone: D8  
Twilight: So...what are everyone's thoughts?  
Harry: it's terrible.  
Italy: It's awful.  
John: It sucks.  
Fluttershy: I didn't like it.  
Twilight: Okay then. I can't think of anything else to say myself other than how disgusting this story is. I don't think we had ever had to skip or repeat so many lines before. Well, that's our show for today. See you all next time!


End file.
